Funny Status Messages

   If you don't post it, how will anyone else get to read it?

   Why does this dental floss refuse to let me toss it into the bathroom trash can?

   If you love something set it free because you’re intolerable and love is a prison

   Sure your baby's cute but have you ever seen a chihuahua with the hiccups?

   What a great interview on ABC. I especially loved it when James Comey says President Trump is a serial liar, treats women like “meat” and is a “stain” on all who work for him. Greatest show ever!

   Can't wait to watch The Walking Dead tonight...otherwise known as the most anticipated commercial break event of the year

   My morning exercise routine includes snooze presses. I like to get in at least 5 reps.

   I carry a kazoo in my fanny pack in case anyone initiates small talk.

   The first 5 items on my bucket list are just different places I'd like to nap.

   I just tried to unfriend someone I am not even friends with.

   I’ve never met a nap I didn’t like.

   Parenthood is the scariest Hood you will ever go through.

   My wife is an animal in bed, a sloth..

   I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed

   In your face Putin. Right in your stupid face. Go Trump!! Show Putin who the real boss is.

   Me: [looking thru fridge] there's nothing to eat in here Mortician: I know right

   After the US, UK, and France's attack on Syria, I propose a name change to the capital city from Damascus to DamnAssKicked.

   Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

   Shout out to pizza and sunglasses for being the only thing left to be sold out of huts.

   A study says we only use 12% of our brain. Just think how intelligent we would be if we used the other 70%.