Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The worst feeling in the world is when you hear someone with heels heading your direction, sounding like a real hot babe, only to find out its either some old hag or a guy with coowboy boots on

   Fought a guy in a wheelchair. He said I'll get you when I get to heaven and get my legs back. I said, it's a Stairway to Heaven, not a ramp

   Wondering why people who are in Love would want to re-arrange the alphabets "I" and "U" to express their feelings, honestly I don't see a valid reason of doing that whatsoever

   So do people who are observing their fasts for whatever reason put pics of empty plates on Instagram?

   So Ronda Rousey finally fulfilled her dream of being an actress on WWE. Congratulations.

   ndian housewives hold 11% of the world's gold — that's more than the reserves of the U.S, Germany, and Switzerland put together

   enough already we don’t love you at your that or at your this

   We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.

   Don't make me go all shouty capitals on you ...

   A white lie is like a regular lie except it orders a grande, iced, sugar-free, vanilla latte, with soy milk from Starbucks.

   If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.

   How to strengthen your abs: 1. lie down and put your hands behind your head... Wow, what great position for a nap, better take a nap.

   a bisexual a person who pays for sex?

   You know you're broke when American Express calls you and says: "Leave home without it"

   Daddy, all the Mexicans are gone, why haven't you got a job yet?

   ‪The first idiot to complain that it’s too hot this summer is getting hit with a 10lb. bag of ice!‬

   I lost money in the John Wayne toilet paper co. The T.P. was so ruff it wouldn't take sh*t off of anybody.

   I haven't thought about murder enough lately.

   sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that

   Her: I don't get mad. I get even Me: sounds like you're still mad