Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   I'm so gangsta that I change the channels holding the remote sideways.

   So have they made a drink called Tequila Mockingbird yet? What the hell are they waiting for???

   I completely admire your talent of sitting on it and talking out of it at the same time...

   Ladies, if the story he is telling you is extremely detailed then he is lying.

   Hi. I'm in a staff meeting. There are 62 ceiling tiles in our meeting room, 6 light fixtures with 24 fluorescent bulbs. That is all.

   I banged my best friends mom, I guess this makes me his best motherf*cking friend!

   Dear Facebook friend, I was so super excited to read your post about you having pork chops for dinner. It was almost as captivating as your story about taking your grandmother to the grocery store. Where do you come up with this stuff???

   I miss the days when Disney produced cartoons instead of teen sluts.

   My feelings are hurt that it took you two months to figure out that I blocked you. B!TCH!

   If you can make just ONE person smile, then you're probably a really bad comedian.

   I took a sh!t this morning. TMI? Yeah well I don't want to read about how in love you are with your boyfriend of the week either.

   F*CK! I'm so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.

   WOMEN ARE EVIL! WOMEN suck! Oh that reminds me... women are soft... ooh and warm and wet and... what was I b!tching about? Damn women!!!

   The reason a man can walk around shirtless with his beer gut hanging out and still feel sexy is because we ARE sexy.

   The best gift that God gave man is the ability to translate whatever a woman says into "blah blah blah blah blah."

   When someone threatens me I try to diffuse the situation with humor and then punch them in the throat while their laughing.

   Couples who have been married for a long time start finishing off each other's sentences. The most popular being "Shut up."

   They say getting over someone is directly proportional to how much they meant to you. That was the hardest 15 minutes of my life.

   You are living proof God for sure had lazy days.

   Saw a hobo with a sign today reading "I need clothes." So, only wanting to help, I yelled "You spelled JOB wrong!"