flinnie Funny Status Messages

   It's amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I'm telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours

   I bet Mary and Joseph were like "Gee thanks little drummer boy. Cause the one thing every sleep deprived parent wants for their newborn is a drum solo!"

   There are two types of people in this world and it is easily determined by what they do when an ice cube falls on the floor.

   When one door closes another one opens. Or you could jut re-open the closed door. Because that's how doors work.

   The snooze button, because there's nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.

   I owe my bookie $300.I bet on a fight before I realized it was Rocky 4. I did the same thing with Space Jam and Air Bud

   I'm that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.

   It's hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.

   Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you're a 3 year-old with annoying parents.

   The first rule of Women's fight club is don't tell anyone what you're mad about or why you're fighting

   Protip: If your turkey tastes like bird flavored jello, it is undercooked.

   I wear my heart on my sleeve and my lunch on the entire front part.

   Dog just farted so bad his fleas jumped off

   "What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I'm saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!" -anyone dating Taylor Swift

   I could amaze you with the things I don't know and terrify you with the things I do

   Parrot kept me up til three in the morning. He had a case of the hiccups. Finally figured out he was just imitating my hiccups from earlier.

   If you live in a custom-built house that doesn't have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?

   The real reason I'm not a superhero.... Pockets,I need my pockets.

   FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.