andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   People using "obtuse" in a sentence think they're smart by using a $.10 word. Really, they only know it because Shawshank is on TV weekly

   If you’re ever in a swordfight, don’t swing at your opponent’s legs, because (a) he’ll hop over your sword, and (b) what are you doing?

   What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?

   Fly Eagles fly. To your offseason vacations and free agents meeting with other teams. Since you don't have playoffs to worry about.

   I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.

   There'll be parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting, and Sally out in the snow. Come on, guys, let Sally back inside.

   Science shows having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

   The holidays are a good time to think about those less fortunate than you. Aaaaaaand done.

   If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.

   My brain must think sleep= death... every time I try to fall asleep, my life flashes before my eyes. Well, the embarrassing bits, anyways.

   George Lucas claims to have not seen the new Star Wars trailer. How many of us wish we could say that about the Phantom Menace?

   It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get it together, every other vegetable

   I went to a diner last night & the waitress asked "is pepsi okay?" I said I don't know!! did something happen?

   So, what are all us fortunate people complaining about today?

   I shot the sheriff and his portraits in the park turned out great. Shooting the deputy tomorrow if weather permits

   It sucks 'cause when I try to make bedroom eyes I make breakfast nook eyes by mistake and my wife just gets hungry.

   You may notice white girls wearing black armbands today. As all things pumpkin spice are replaced by all things peppermint.

   Dear people jogging with that stupid smile on your face. I know what route you take and I will jump out of bushes and scare that smile away

   I'm leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.

   “You wore that before” yea because it’s my shirt and I have a washing machine!