Mickey Funny Status Messages

   Groundhog Day and State of the Union address will occur on the same date. This is an ironic event. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence. The other's a groundh

   When someone posts this: "Last year was wonderful....this year has been pretty awesome too! Can't stop smiling...bring it on!" It actually means: "I didn't do j@ck $hit."

   The meteorologist on the news gives the forecast then says, "People don't know the difference between weather and climate." Yes I do: "Oh look, a ladder I don't know weather I should walk under it or climate." See? Told you.

   I once stayed at an Amish Motel 6. They would have left the light on for me if they had one.

   I'm watching The Alamo Bowl on ESPN. My main concern isn't who wins, my main concern is if I'll remember it.

   Get me an alligator sandwich, and make it snappy!

   Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.

   Some people suffered in their youth which helped them succeed later in life. For example, if Bill Gates had gotten l@id in high school, there would have been no Microsoft.

   I haven't had a cigarette in 11 months. Did it on my own. My mom is trying to quit but couldn't do it by herself so she went to a hypnotist. She still smokes, but thinks she's a chicken.

   In these economic hard times, I always do what it takes to get my money's worth. Like yesterday. I went to the Dental Hygienist and ate a box of Oreos in the waiting room before going in.

   I was notified that I've been chosen to be the new "Adam" on Mars. They've selected an Eve. I hope to G0d she remembers to bring the snake and the apple.

   20 minutes later, and I can't remember who I "sanded my wood" to. I have to find better imaginary girlfriends.

   Choosing someone based on their looks, is like picking a Christmas gift based on the wrapping paper.

   I went to the movies to see "Lincoln". The only thing they had at the snack bar were waffles and Log Cabin Syrup.

   I was really counting on winning the Powerball. I was also counting on getting run over by a bus driven by a bear.

   I guess all the leftover Thanksgiving dinner stuff is gone that was in the fridge. I'm telling everyone I quit cold turkey.

   Tagged Photos-Rule #1: The hottest girl in the pic is the one not tagged.

   When I was born, the day I was brought home form the hospital my parents put up a sign on my bedroom door: "Checkout Time 18 Years"

   Men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color and we have no idea what mauve is.

   I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there. And after all this time no less. I wasn't ignoring you, you simply don't matter that much anymore. Please forgive me, yet my feelings will remain unchanged, Myspace phone app.