MTQ Funny Status Messages

   People who are, "Just sayin'" should try, "Just shutting the f**k up."

   Redneck Term Of Thee Day-Wisdom: "Mah bruther had him some kidney stones, but he wisdom out!"

   Why doesn't facebook just change the Poke to what it really means. "Bend over, I'll drive."

   Wanna lose weight? Try the grapefruit diet. Eat something...follow with half a grapefruit. Eat something else...half a grapefruit. So far today I've had 94 grapefruits.

   I just took a typing test. 160 words per minute. The word was "a". That counts, right?

   I got my name tattooed on my p*n*s. My girl goes, "Stop trying to put words in my mouth."

   I can't believe Charmin Bathroom Tissue. I shared with them a great marketing slogan, and they rejected it: "Just like the Starship Enterprise, Charmin circles Uranus in search of Klingons."

   Some women are wound up tighter than the girdle of a Baptist minister's wife at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast.

   I believe I've just serendipitously solved the world's energy crisis. They need to start using English Muffins as insulation. Those things retain heat for an eternity after they pop out of the toaster. (I didn't need these fingertips anyway.)

   If I'm going to go to the trouble of wishing your sorry, unknown, only 87 friends a$$ a happy birthday, the least you could do is acknowledge it with a "like".

   Can someone text me a donut?

   one of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

   You may think I'm a loser, but to my goldfish I am "THE GOD OF FLAKES."

   if our women with babies use little spoons and forks to feed them. what do chinese people use? tooth picks?

   Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.

   Congressman Weiner's wife: "ANTHONY!!! I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU!"