JOser Funny Status Messages

   You know it's a bad traffic jam when people start are sitting on top of their cars..

   I am under: paid, pressure, followed, rated, the gun, the radar, the influence, the weather and the wrong impression. WTF

   So what's the dating website for drunk, blonde, recent college graduates who do not want to find a job called?

   The Revolutionary War went on for like 8 years, yet we settle for a 3 day weekend? The founders would be so disappointed.

   Hearses are so depressing. I'd like my casket transported via segway.

   America: We blow sh*t up better than the rest of yous funny-talkin' countries.

   Nobody gets treated worse than a fast food worker who gets an order wrong.

   No I wasn't born in a barn, but you know who was? Jesus.

   I have mosquito bites on my feet and I'm thinking the knee is probably the easiest point of amputation.

   Ugly is such an ugly word. If you must describe me I'd prefer if you used the term "handsomely-challenged

   List of things I've accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List

   One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.

   Anyone with a pool want to be my new best friend?

   They call it "Cash for Gold" because "Cash for all the Sh*t You Stole to Support Your Meth Habit" didn't have the same ring to it.

   My new hobby is intentionally putting myself into awkward situations

   BREAKING NBA NEWS: LeBron James has decided to go with Team Jacob

   I'm not having a kid until they come with built-in mute buttons.

   it's canada day, so to all my canadian followers out there I say, "happy fourth of july in three days."

   I'm not at all ashamed to admit that I pick my hotels solely based upon the items they show in the pictures of their continental breakfast.

   What do Edward Cullen and a Christmas tree have in common? Their tiny balls sparkle.