GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said, "Thank God for that! What are they?"

   Groceries are so high that Thanksgiving is looking like taco Thursday this year.

   Starting today, anyone who even mildly annoys me is having their number handed out to every child I come across, and told that it's Santa's hotline.

   The part of my morning routine that takes the longest is deciding to get up.

   The next time you visit someone with an Alexa, secretly say, "Alexa, set 3am alarm with horror movie sound effects".

   I'm on my second guardian angel. My first one quit and is now in therapy.

   There should be a reality show where flat-earthers search for the edge of the world.

   Don't forget to buy your Halloween candy early so you have time to buy more after you eat it all.

   One of the biggest lies I tell myself: I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.

   n't it funny how sharks can smell blood, dogs can smell drugs - but some people can't smell themselves when they need deodorant?

   I really used to hate speed bumps. But now I'm slowly getting over them.

   People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.

   Clocks go back on November 3. I hope mine goes back to when people had morals, values, loyalty, appreciation, and respect.

   If a liars pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun!

   I told the waitress my steak was bad. She picked it up, slapped it, put it down and said, "If it gives you more trouble let me know".

   What is the fastest way to calm a woman down when she is angry?

   Told my supervisor I'm coming in on Halloween as a ghost. I'll be here. You just won't see me.

   Volkswagen should bring back the Beetle as an electric car. They can call it the Lightning Bug.

   Don't buy plastic skeletons for Halloween. It's terrible for the environment. Locally sourced all natural skeletons are more environmentally friendly.

   Everybody's a little bit crazy... It's just that some of us aren't afraid to take it out for a walk in public.