GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

   I wish I had enough money to discover that it doesn't actually make me happy.

   My bank balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft.

   Marriage tip: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say yes. Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   I think it's only a matter of time until "Security Cameras of Walmart" is a hit reality show.

   Here's how I define marriage: Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

   I went to the grocery store today and the cashier said my total was $208.47. I wanted a second opinion so I went to self checkout and my new total was $43.20.

   I just realized why this month is called May. It may rain, it may snow, it may be 70 degrees or it may be 20 degrees.

   I can handle most things in life. But hearing someone chew their food is not one of them.

   Shout-out to everyone lying in bed just scrolling on their phone.

   If you ever meet a girl that admits she's wrong, apologizes, and changes her ways, dump her because she might be a man. Women don't do that.

   All these galaxies and planets and we ended up on the one with 40 hour work weeks.

   I just got a full tank of gas for $22. Granted it was for my lawn mower but I am trying to stay positive.

   Whatever you got to do today, do it with the confidence of a 4yr old in a Batman cape.

   I need to stop talking to myself. I'm a bad influence.

   Procrastination really is a good thing. You always have something to do tomorrow, plus you have nothing to do today.

   If you see me talking to myself, don't judge us. We're trying to talk ourselves out of doing something stupid.

   I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today. His parents weren't too happy about it.

   When you die people cry and beg for you to come back. But when you do, there's the running and the screaming.

   When I'm behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn't my fault.