BigSarge Funny Status Messages

   I hit a new low today. I used a cheat code on "The Biggest Loser Ultimate Workout" on my XBox Kinect

   Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to dogs.

   If you don't like my Facebook updates, please feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the "big news" of the day is when one of their grandkids finally took a $h!t all by themselves.

   Walmart has made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing...... Walmart is going to invade Target.

   Anybody else wonder why Noah didn't swat the two mosquitoes?

   I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.

   Dear Kim Jong Un, Mr Dennis Rodman didn't impress you? Well here let me introduce you to US Naval Seal Team 6!!

   Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.

   New "Shots" Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone's face.

   When I was a kid they didn't call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "A Brat about to get an a$s whooping".

   You’ll never get the same results running on a tread mill as you will running from a pi$sed off Pit Bull

   If "thought bubbles" appeared above my head every time I ran into a moron, I'd seriously be screwed.

   The Surgeon General has declared that cigarettes can harm your children....... Fair enough. I'll start using an ashtray!

   Nice try "St. Patrick's Day", but I don't need a reason to drink!!

   Apparently putting Alka Seltzers in my mouth while getting "born again" and pretending I'm possessed by the Devil is not so funny to "non drunk people".

   Part of my workout routine is that I always get hammered before I go jogging...... That way I never go jogging.

   Ok A$$hole, just go around me. I'm already doing 40 over the limit, and I'm not speeding up. Stupid tailgater..... With your stupid flashing lights

   Telling your woman to calm down, works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

   BREAKING NEWS: "An armed lunatic stormed a gun range and killed 20 NRA members". - Said no headline ever

   Kidnapping? Such a harsh word. I prefer the term “surprise adoption”.