@The69Sheriff Funny Status Messages

   a little rusty with my Spanish so I'm gonna go ahead and assume "beunos tardes" means "so long, you f****** retards."

   thinks you should always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.

   thinks that Google Maps can skip a few steps when giving me directions... I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.

   thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk... just like in cartoons.

   believes there are two great rules in life: 1.) Never tell everything at once.

   Facebook asks me what I'm thinking... Twitter asks what I'm doing... 4Square asks where I am. Conclusion: The internet is my girlfriend.

   thinks Twitter spoils us... if only we could limit people in real life to 140 characters or less.

   thinks my doctor's waiting room needs some music... and better lighting... and more women... and a pole in the middle of the room... and a buffet.

   These red lights never give me enough time to finish my Facebook status upda

   I bet hell is full of morning people and obsessive compulsive Facebook pokers.

   just stubbed my toe so hard that I called my ex gf that I haven't spoken to in 3 years and broke up with her again.

   "Where are we going... and why are we in a hand basket?" ~ Me... when I die.

   Watching a little kid learn to brush their teeth is adorable... unless they are trying to use a sharpie with no cap on.

   Whenever I exit a public toilet... I make sweaty eye contact with the person waiting and say “Top that, cowboy.”

   Next time someone presses the elevator button you've already pressed... act totally impressed & tell them they did it waaay better than you.

   wishing that my computer would crash and erase all of the work I'm not doing this morning.

   alcohol may cause more deaths than AIDS, TB, and violence... but doesn't it make up for it with pregnancies?i

   tuned in to watch the Grammys but didn't see hardly any grandmothers at all.

   Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream WAIT DON'T HANG UP right as they're hanging up... then not answer when they call back.

   wants you to spit your drink at the person sitting across from you and tell them it's because you were laughing at this.