Funny Status Messages

   I make self-sabotage look like an art form.

   I wanted to be an astronaut until I found out they make you come back.

   There’s an active shooter situation going on in my pants.

   We cannot have this discussion again. It's hard on the furniture.

   Anytime I’m sad, I picture a T-Rex playing the accordion and that usually cheers me right up.

   Gave my son the "you live under my roof, you play by my rules" speech and my father's mustache immediately appeared on my face.

   Check if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the wifi.

   I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

   Your fridge uses up more power when it’s empty. Basically it’s expensive to be poor.

   Today is January the 96th

   I'll be back soon. I have to go to the bathroom and take a massive Trump.

   Don't sweat the small stuff. In fact, don't sweat the big stuff either. Stop sweating on everything. That's gross.

   The only way I would jump off the Trump train is if I find out he had sex with Hillary.

   So if Carrie Underwood's injury requires 40 stitches and her face comes out looking like that, where do I sign up?

   I just want to suffocate, sorry I mean love you.

   I like it when I'm accidentally a genius.

   Divorce: A legal document for married people to hate each other.

   People in my office act like they've never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

   In the 90s, we had scaredies: group photos where one person looked afraid the stranger taking the picture was going to steal their camera.

   I'm tired of making me happy. Someone else needs to take a turn.