Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 798 of 6453

I'm pretty sure Jesus Christ is not saying "You can bang all the porn stars you want, as long as you glue a plastic fish on your car's bumper".
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04-18-2018 21:12
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For all the lazy people Heinz has come out with Mayochup to put on your burgers. It's ketchup and mayonnaise in one squeeze bottle.
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04-18-2018 20:19
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I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling. . .
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04-18-2018 19:30
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I'am a compulsive liar Everything I say is a lie And that is the truth.... "BELIEVE ME"
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04-18-2018 18:17 by HaHa
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Marriage is just your spouse always standing in front of the drawer or cabinet you want to open.
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04-18-2018 15:09
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I'm a nice sociopath. You can trust me.
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04-18-2018 14:59
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She's complicated? No kidding! So is my can opener.
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04-18-2018 14:58
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Sorry I used your hummus dip to exfoliate my feet.
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04-18-2018 14:56
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Tall people know what's up.
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04-18-2018 14:54
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If your lawyer’s office is in an old Pizza Hut, you’re going to jail.
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04-18-2018 14:51
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Not to brag, but I have been referred to as "exhausting."
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04-18-2018 14:49
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I’m small but influential. Like bacteria or Tom Cruise.

Male pattern baldness is God’s way of saying grown men shouldn’t have bangs.
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04-18-2018 14:46
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America already had a circus for 8 years when we had dumbo I mean Obama as president
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04-18-2018 12:47 by Trump316
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Tom Brady is the one who threatened Stormy Daniels. I knew he was a douche! Now we have proof.
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04-18-2018 08:39
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I grew up in a neighborhood so poor, we all shared the same timepiece . . . or as we liked to call it, the 'neighborhood watch'!
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04-18-2018 00:08
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Its still winter because Mother Nature saw all our summer bodies and decided we weren't ready yet.

Spring is acting like my drug dealer!! "Where you at man?" "I am about to pull up" 1 hour later "Where you at man?" "I am right around the corner"
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04-17-2018 17:42 by QuickDraw
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If you eggheads live long enough after eating Tide Pods, rubbers, ect. you're gonna find out that Donald will be one of the top best Prez in U.S. History.
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04-17-2018 17:32
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America: Elect a clown, expect a circus.
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04-17-2018 16:32 by BrazilGuy
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