Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I did 5 squats today so if you catch me looking a little thick tomorrow don't be alarmed

   When a double agent goes rogue. At long last looks like Trump has turned on his Russian handlers.

   "I'd love to be your widow, someday" - me flirting

   wife [with me in a headlock] Stop saying “Dilly dilly”

   Maybe I should have just gotten in the van.

   Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"

   Having a search warrant is not a break in .

   MASA - Make America Smart Again

   I’m tired of not having any plans to cancel.

   I wish people who say 'thanks, but no thanks' would make up their mind on where they stand on gratitude.

   I stand by the unlikely threat I made when I thought you couldn’t hear me.

   Relationship status: Maybe it’s time I learn to crochet

   Some days parenting's like The Sound of Music but with less singing and more hiding from the Nazis.

   I'll never forget the thrill of that first kiss or the night I decided to keep someone else's Tupperware.

   The way Fox news channel distorts the news they should change their name to FAUX NEWS :)

   i thought mark zukerberg was supposed to look like justin timberlake?

   I want my obituary to read: "She laid down the boogie and played that funky music till she died."

   Daddy, when will our GP waiting time go down, now all the foreign doctors have gone home?

   If your post only says "I can't even" then I'm assuming the rest of it was meant to say "finish a complete sentence!"

   Friend just told me he installed his own hot water heater and I am envious. All this time I missed out on getting my hot water even hotter.