Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've come to the conclusion that the things I most desire in life are illegal, very expensive, fattening, bad for my health, too young for me, or married to someone else.

   Texas please vote for Ted Cruz. Because if you don't, he could end up on the View.

   I want a version of Baywatch with only fat people in it.

   Trump has repeatedly broken at least 4 of the 10 commandments: Adultery, theft, dishonesty, and coveting. Doesn't read the bible, go to church, ask for forgiveness from God, or repent. Yet the evangelical support him against the will of God.

   The bravest man in the world is the prince from Sleeping Beauty because waking up a tired woman can go sideways very fast.

   A guy in a leather jacket told me that if I gave him a hundred dollars he'd give me three hundred back in a month. It sounded too good to be true, but then I realized that it was just a Fonzi scheme.

   If there is a Little Debbie then that means somewhere out there is Large Deborah and don't dare touch her cakes

   Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

   Apple were considering making an iPod for kids but apparently, the name 'iTouch Kids' didn't sit too well

   Yesterday I went to an antique shop and asked "What's new?". I don't know why that guy gave me a murderous look

   Forgetting to switch off your alarm on a day when you’re not meant to go Work is an invention of lucifer himself

   Witchcraft is when your boyfriend uses different condom flavour's on every round 🍎🍆🍇🍓🍒🍐🍉🍍 you go home smelling like fruit salad.

   I baked you some cookies They’re in the garbage

   If the leader of the free world has time to tweet, then you have time to return my texts.

   Wanna see awkward? Hand me a baby.

   On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.

   I remember once upon a time I was a beloved son, now I’m just an internet troll.

   My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.

   Most all the women I meet in bars think I have a nice butt. Because as I walk away from them after talking to them. I hear them say "what an ass."

   Who else's favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."