Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just want to suffocate, sorry I mean love you.

   I like it when I'm accidentally a genius.

   Divorce: A legal document for married people to hate each other.

   People in my office act like they've never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

   In the 90s, we had scaredies: group photos where one person looked afraid the stranger taking the picture was going to steal their camera.

   I'm tired of making me happy. Someone else needs to take a turn.

   If you don't post it, how will anyone else get to read it?

   Why does this dental floss refuse to let me toss it into the bathroom trash can?

   If you love something set it free because you’re intolerable and love is a prison

   Sure your baby's cute but have you ever seen a chihuahua with the hiccups?

   What a great interview on ABC. I especially loved it when James Comey says President Trump is a serial liar, treats women like “meat” and is a “stain” on all who work for him. Greatest show ever!

   Can't wait to watch The Walking Dead tonight...otherwise known as the most anticipated commercial break event of the year

   My morning exercise routine includes snooze presses. I like to get in at least 5 reps.

   I carry a kazoo in my fanny pack in case anyone initiates small talk.

   The first 5 items on my bucket list are just different places I'd like to nap.

   I just tried to unfriend someone I am not even friends with.

   I’ve never met a nap I didn’t like.

   Parenthood is the scariest Hood you will ever go through.

   My wife is an animal in bed, a sloth..

   I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed