Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To have a happy marriage assume your wife is always right.

   Had 21 minutes of doggie style sex last night. That's 3 minutes in human time.

   According to this IRS form, I multiply line 32 by the opposite number of my dependents plus the logarithm of the number on line 17 unless my shirt has a front pocket and WAAAAA!! brain explodes

   We wipe our )( blind, but we put our deodorant on using a mirror...

   love is out there, kinda like the zodiac killer is still out there too, so good luck.

   I make self-sabotage look like an art form.

   I wanted to be an astronaut until I found out they make you come back.

   There’s an active shooter situation going on in my pants.

   We cannot have this discussion again. It's hard on the furniture.

   Anytime I’m sad, I picture a T-Rex playing the accordion and that usually cheers me right up.

   Gave my son the "you live under my roof, you play by my rules" speech and my father's mustache immediately appeared on my face.

   Check if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the wifi.

   I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

   Your fridge uses up more power when it’s empty. Basically it’s expensive to be poor.

   Today is January the 96th

   I'll be back soon. I have to go to the bathroom and take a massive Trump.

   Don't sweat the small stuff. In fact, don't sweat the big stuff either. Stop sweating on everything. That's gross.

   The only way I would jump off the Trump train is if I find out he had sex with Hillary.

   So if Carrie Underwood's injury requires 40 stitches and her face comes out looking like that, where do I sign up?

   I just want to suffocate, sorry I mean love you.