Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 794 of 6446

To have a happy marriage assume your wife is always right.
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04-16-2018 22:59 by Jake
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Had 21 minutes of doggie style sex last night. That's 3 minutes in human time.
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04-16-2018 21:14 by Jake
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According to this IRS form, I multiply line 32 by the opposite number of my dependents plus the logarithm of the number on line 17 unless my shirt has a front pocket and WAAAAA!! brain explodes
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04-16-2018 20:25
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We wipe our )( blind, but we put our deodorant on using a mirror...
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04-16-2018 15:15 by JohnY
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love is out there, kinda like the zodiac killer is still out there too, so good luck.
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04-16-2018 15:14
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I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
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04-16-2018 15:10
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I wanted to be an astronaut until I found out they make you come back.
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04-16-2018 15:02
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There’s an active shooter situation going on in my pants.
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04-16-2018 14:58
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We cannot have this discussion again. It's hard on the furniture.
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04-16-2018 14:55
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Anytime I’m sad, I picture a T-Rex playing the accordion and that usually cheers me right up.
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04-16-2018 14:49
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Gave my son the "you live under my roof, you play by my rules" speech and my father's mustache immediately appeared on my face.
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04-16-2018 14:42
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Check if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the wifi.
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04-16-2018 14:36
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I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
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04-16-2018 14:35
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Your fridge uses up more power when it’s empty. Basically it’s expensive to be poor.
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04-16-2018 14:03
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Today is January the 96th
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04-16-2018 13:18
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I'll be back soon. I have to go to the bathroom and take a massive Trump.
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04-16-2018 12:39
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Don't sweat the small stuff. In fact, don't sweat the big stuff either. Stop sweating on everything. That's gross.
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04-16-2018 11:18
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The only way I would jump off the Trump train is if I find out he had sex with Hillary.
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04-16-2018 10:49
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So if Carrie Underwood's injury requires 40 stitches and her face comes out looking like that, where do I sign up?
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04-16-2018 10:07
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I just want to suffocate, sorry I mean love you.
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04-16-2018 02:40
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