Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I first heard of 'Keeping up with the Kardashians' I initially thought it was supposed to be a Star Trek show about the Klingon rivals...

   Most of you believe that this is April. It’s actually the 114th of January.

   Having one child makes you a parent. Having two a referee

   Another woman cause me to leave my wife. It was her mother.

   My wife says I only have two faults. #1. I don't pay enough attention to her. #2. And something else.

   I think the toothbrush was invented in England. If it was invented anywhere else it would be called the teethbrush.

   My wife's cooking is so bad, we pray after the meal.

   Why do ugly strippers charge as much as the pretty ones?

   Guys we're having "Little Seizures" tonight!

   Just purchased the Barbie doll Collector's Edition. Comes complete with a pre-nup and all of Ken's stuff!

   A lot of southern states are celebrating Confederate Memorial day today(4/23) even though the official date is April 26. Confederate Memorial Day is a legal holiday observe in the southern states.

   One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.

   Never judge a clown until you've walked a mile in his shoes!

   Forgive me, for I have sinned. Same time tomorrow?

   does anyone remember when lol meant “laughing out loud” instead of “this is to indicate that this brief text isnt hostile”

   In my defense, my wife's text asking me to "drop a load in the washing machine" was confusing.

   giving the recent plane accident, I bet now Mitt Romney realizes why the plane windows stay closed

   Viagra is like Disney land, the both make you wait a hour for a three minute ride.

   What do woman and police cars have in common? The both make a lot of noise when they are coming.

   Silence is your best responce when talking to an idiot