Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”

   Never laugh at your wife's choices. You are one of them.

   It's sad when the best looking girl from Texas happens to be Sandy Cheeks from Spongebob Squarepants.

   What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless? 2nd place in a presidential election.

   Lindsay Lohan bitten by snake while on vacation in Thailand. After hours of rolling around in unspeakable agony the snake finally died.

   "Use the forceps, Luke!" -Obi Gyn Kenobi

   Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."

   So according to CNN and Sky News, 2017 was the 2nd wettest year on record. Personally I blame "Fifty Shades of Grey"

   Friends are a lot like trees they fall down when hit multiple times with an axe

   What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint

   WERE HIPPOPOTAMUSES NAMED HIPPOPOTAMUSES BECAUSE THEY WERE REALLY HIP POPOTAMUSES OR WHAT ?

   You never hear songs about wishing they could all be Texas girls.

   I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to a bicycle.

   In the past few days my Doritos stock started to skyrocket. Thank you California.

   Man Came home,saw his wife with his friend in Bed,he shoots his friend, Wife Says, "If you behave like this ,you will lose all your friends."

   The Gym was so crowded today I had to skip my workout. Fortunately, the line at KFC was shorter than usual. Already in Love with New Year's resolution

   In California, ever day is now 420

   It's 2018 so that means the millennium is legal.

   That one sounded like a dirt bike with a bad muffler.

   Eat chocolate pudding all the time, everywhere you go. Use chopsticks and a diaper as a bowl.