Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I grew up in a neighborhood so poor, we all shared the same timepiece . . . or as we liked to call it, the 'neighborhood watch'!

   Its still winter because Mother Nature saw all our summer bodies and decided we weren't ready yet.

   Spring is acting like my drug dealer!! "Where you at man?" "I am about to pull up" 1 hour later "Where you at man?" "I am right around the corner"

   If you eggheads live long enough after eating Tide Pods, rubbers, ect. you're gonna find out that Donald will be one of the top best Prez in U.S. History.

   America: Elect a clown, expect a circus.

   I am so dumb, I put lipstick on my forehead to make up my mind.

   a married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy

   Stormy Daniels is shooting a new movie, titled "Stormy Does The Republicans".

   The bright side of a zombie apocalypse is you no longer have to keep up with the Kardashians.

   I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.

   I got kicked out of the threesome for singing “You’ve Got a Friend In Me.”

   So proud of myself for being healthy & buying vegetables that are just gonna sit at the bottom of my fridge until they go bad.

   When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.

   I was shopping , thought cashier would ask if I wanted the receipt or not .I was prepared .She told me to have a nice day I said no thanks 😕

   Please don’t ask me for advice about life because I will accidentally screw up yours too.

   I'm thinking of hiring Michael Cohen as my lawyer. He only has three clients and apparently he works for free. He doesn't take money from anyone.

   If you think men are the stronger sex, watch a man react when the girlfriend says "what did you just say to me?"

   Rich men treat ladies the way ladies treat broke men.

   Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.

   Write the name of someone you hate on your arm every day with a permanent marker. That way if you die they'll become a suspect.