Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My goal for 2018 is to accomplish goals of 2017,which I should have done in 2016,cause I promised them in 2015 and planned them in 2015

   It's just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms

   It's so cold out I walked into my bank and the tellers were wearing ski masks

   I went to the doctor because I couldn’t stop listening to Tom Jones. He told me it’s not unusual

   Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder, where in the hell are the dream police!

   When the shovel was invented, it was a ground breaking experience.

   "I'm, like, really smart." - Donald Trump, 45th POTUS. I'm glad he cleared that up, because he had the whole world fooled.

   Question for the 84 year old widow who just won the Mega Millions jackpot: Sup, girl?

   Guys, if you're not married, but thinking about it, remember; a wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and the house is gone.

   Just got scammed out of $15. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.

   Husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No." Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" She responds, "Yes." He says, "Then, Id like to phone a friend."

   Someone should open a Gym in just the month of January and call it "resolutions"

   There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I’m not sure who to believe

   Winter storm named Grayson sounds like it should be wearing a tweed jacket

   my new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth

   Babies cry at night to prevent their parents from making another one.

   Take it to the next level. Fire and Fury audiobook narrated by Hillary Clinton.

   There sure were a lot of lesbian nuns in the 70s.

   Two F-words rednecks can't stand: Fire & Fury.

   FOX & Friends? Who in their right mind would want to be friends with FOX? It's a lie, FOX has no friends.