Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 791 of 6447

Never hire an elecetrician with fuzzy hair
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04-19-2018 15:22 by Jake
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I've come to the conclusion that the things I most desire in life are illegal, very expensive, fattening, bad for my health, too young for me, or married to someone else.
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04-19-2018 14:43 by JohnY
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Texas please vote for Ted Cruz. Because if you don't, he could end up on the View.

I want a version of Baywatch with only fat people in it.
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04-19-2018 13:33
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Trump has repeatedly broken at least 4 of the 10 commandments: Adultery, theft, dishonesty, and coveting. Doesn't read the bible, go to church, ask for forgiveness from God, or repent. Yet the evangelical support him against the will of God.
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04-19-2018 11:53
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The bravest man in the world is the prince from Sleeping Beauty because waking up a tired woman can go sideways very fast.
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04-19-2018 08:27
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A guy in a leather jacket told me that if I gave him a hundred dollars he'd give me three hundred back in a month. It sounded too good to be true, but then I realized that it was just a Fonzi scheme.
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04-19-2018 08:03
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If there is a Little Debbie then that means somewhere out there is Large Deborah and don't dare touch her cakes
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04-19-2018 07:59
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Why is it that most nudists are people you donβt want to see naked?
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04-19-2018 07:20
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Apple were considering making an iPod for kids but apparently, the name 'iTouch Kids' didn't sit too well
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04-19-2018 07:20
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Yesterday I went to an antique shop and asked "What's new?". I don't know why that guy gave me a murderous look
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04-19-2018 07:19
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Forgetting to switch off your alarm on a day when youβre not meant to go Work is an invention of lucifer himself
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04-19-2018 07:18
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Witchcraft is when your boyfriend uses different condom flavour's on every round ππππππππ you go home smelling like fruit salad.
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04-19-2018 07:14
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I baked you some cookies Theyβre in the garbage
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04-19-2018 02:23
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If the leader of the free world has time to tweet, then you have time to return my texts.
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04-19-2018 02:22
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Wanna see awkward? Hand me a baby.
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04-19-2018 02:14
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On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
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04-19-2018 02:08
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I remember once upon a time I was a beloved son, now Iβm just an internet troll.
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04-19-2018 02:05
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My doctor said Iβm healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.

Most all the women I meet in bars think I have a nice butt. Because as I walk away from them after talking to them. I hear them say "what an ass."
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04-18-2018 23:09 by Jake
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