Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.

   I remember once upon a time I was a beloved son, now I’m just an internet troll.

   My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.

   Most all the women I meet in bars think I have a nice butt. Because as I walk away from them after talking to them. I hear them say "what an ass."

   Who else's favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."

   I'm pretty sure Jesus Christ is not saying "You can bang all the porn stars you want, as long as you glue a plastic fish on your car's bumper".

   For all the lazy people Heinz has come out with Mayochup to put on your burgers. It's ketchup and mayonnaise in one squeeze bottle.

   I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling. . .

   I'am a compulsive liar Everything I say is a lie And that is the truth.... "BELIEVE ME"

   Marriage is just your spouse always standing in front of the drawer or cabinet you want to open.

   I'm a nice sociopath. You can trust me.

   She's complicated? No kidding! So is my can opener.

   Sorry I used your hummus dip to exfoliate my feet.

   Tall people know what's up.

   If your lawyer’s office is in an old Pizza Hut, you’re going to jail.

   Not to brag, but I have been referred to as "exhausting."

   I’m small but influential. Like bacteria or Tom Cruise.

   Male pattern baldness is God’s way of saying grown men shouldn’t have bangs.

   America already had a circus for 8 years when we had dumbo I mean Obama as president

   Tom Brady is the one who threatened Stormy Daniels. I knew he was a douche! Now we have proof.