Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Amazon, I bought a vacuum filter from you because that model is hard to find. It was necessary, not because I am fond of them. I am not a vacuum filter collector. No matter how many ads you display, or emails you send me, I am not desperate for more.

   Your 6 yo has a $800 phone? Cool. When I was 6 I was begging my mom to buy me the click-pen that had 4 colors.

   Running shoes? No, I don't run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.

   So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?

   Ya'll ever be laying with somebody and try to breathe like them and almost die?

   Cosby is going to be meeting bubba and will really get some "pudding in his cloud"

   When America was great, we were enemies with Russia. Just saying.

   I ran a half marathon once. (Actually that's just what I tell people. It sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died half-way through a Full Marathon.)

   Melania's wax figure was revealed, and placed next to donalds. Their figures looks so real that even the Melania wax figure refuses to hold donald's hand.

   Alcohol...because people annoy me but I'm also lonely

   If you want me to leave my house I need three days notice.

   "Honk if anyone gets out of my trunk"

   Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.

   I know I'm ugly and I got no right to ask but please..... Send nudes

   It’s funny to me when a cop says “you know why I pulled you over?” As if I’m gonna snitch myself out, or possibly get it wrong and end up with two charges

   You wake up from a coma only to realize everyone you love has abandoned you because they went through your phone while you were out.

   Does it look like I know what a polygon is?

   When I was a kid I thought earwigs were bugs that came out of your ears. So you can imagine what I thought when I heard about co*kroaches

   Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

   How much extra is it for the stripper to touch your heart?