Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sound advice: Never keep your hemroid cream on the same shelf as your toothpaste.

   If women are always right,why do they always picking wrong men?

   Patient: Doc, I feel miserable, worthless, unhappy, and I have no money. Doctor: I see...... How long have you been married?

   Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it.

   My kid just found an Easter egg in the back yard, if you want to know how often I do yard work.

   Whenever my wife wants me to do something, she casually mentions it needs to be done like 49 times, hoping I will pick up the hints. Has not worked so far.

   Personal care products for men: This bottle contains body gel, shampoo, conditioner and moisterizer. For women: This bottle contains treatment for your left knee. For right knee products, check Aisle 7.

   I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?

   My bank account is a pit stop where money comes to hold its breath before proceeding to where it was destined for.

   Don’t let this distract you from the fact The Avengers blew a 5-1 stone lead in the Infinity Wars.

   Funniest joke in Infinity War was Thor revealing his fluency in "I am Groot" because it was an elective course in Asgardian schools

   Carrot top gave the greatest performance the White House correspondents' dinner has ever seen. Greatest ever!

   This inkblot looks exactly like a hen-pecked husband who has no idea how to pay all of this month's bills

   That will be the last time they let Carrot Top speak at the White House correspondents' dinner.....

   Pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.

   If things are slippery when wet, then why is it so hard to get socks on my wet feet?

   Trump: Once stated in a speech "If you are innocent, why would you take the 5th amendnent." So he must think his lawyer Cohen is guilty.

   I have yet to see a clear toaster so that I can see how well my toast has been toasted... you have seen one???

   Kim Jong Un took a port a potty with him on his trip to Soth Korea because he was afraid foreign spies may want to steal his poop.

   Ever since I was a kid I’ve had a fear of being scared.