Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   French onion soup is just regular onion soup that doesn’t shave its armpits

   "Turn right at the next corner and your destination shall be on your left. But dwell not upon the destination, for it is the journey which is important." - Zen GPS

   If you can't win an argument with someone, correct their grammar instead

   Understanding women is simple. No means no. Maybe means no. And no means yes

   Anybody have a treadmill for sale? My closet is full and I need more space to hang my clothes

   Changed Siri voice to male. ME: Siri, which way to the beach? SIRI: Dude just keep driving until you see a lot of water.

   If by "cruches" you mean the sound potato chips make when I eat them, then yes, certainly I do crunches

   One day all of your earthly possessions will be destroyed ... that day comes when your child turns 2

   As a high school student, I think I was bitten by a radioactive sloth

   I know French too: Jean val Jean is French for "pants more pants"

   The most terrifying moment in life is when the toilet refuses to flush at someone else's house

   I need to start eating healthy but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so its not there to tempt me

   My boss asked me to take an anger management class today. I told him I was angry enough with management as it is

   I still don't understand why Oprah didn't use "Come to Oprah and Winfrey gifts!" as a slogan for her show

   Ladies......If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, you aren't as cute as you think you are

   Apparently these new inkjet cartridges were improved to show that the printer is already out of ink

   "O say can you something something" - Donald Trump singing our National Anthem.

   A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of our ribbon-repair business

   A fun prank for Halloween is to train your dog to sit and growl at the padlocked closet as your guests arrive

   Musical Electric Chairs. For death row inmates. Lets make it fun and televise it. . .