Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't always know what my wife is saying....... She can talk 50% faster than I can listen

   If at frist you don't succeed........ Read the instructions

   I like how Reese's come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.

   I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering WTF it was protecting its eyes from

   Kanye West must feel very conflicted right now. He's excited Kim has kids, but deep down he knows Beyonce has the best kids of all time.

   If Tu-Pac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at Old Navy right now.

   Confusion: Father's day in the ghetto

   Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

   When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

   Well, Kanye West did marry into the Kardashian’s so you can just imagine the levels of stupidity in that house

   I must be very good at handling my credit card.... Each month the bank sends me a letter saying my credit card account is outstanding.

   Life is short..... Unless you're married

   I only drink on days with a "T" Tuesday, Thursday and Today

   Alimony should be spelled allmymoney

   Kayne West says slavery was a choice for the blacks. Yeah, Kanye is real normal alright.

   Hillary Clinton, so ugly that when she gives head it should be considered anal.

   Ever stare dumbfoundingly at someone wondering how they ever had an opportunity to actually procreate?

   I think the word alimony should be spelled aliMOANy

   We are all free to walk our own path. My path is full of my husband’s socks and shoes

   I don’t trust people who drive like a turtle and then all of a sudden find the gas pedal and weave in and out of traffic the minute you pass them up. The only impression I have of you is, you must be bipolar