Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was in our laundry room today, I saw that our ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

   What’s the traditional gift for a 24 year anniversary? Is it murder? Please say it’s murder.

   You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.

   I just applied for a job with the local police. While I wait for their reply, should I start going after criminals or is it too soon?

   Rise and shine? At the same time? It can only be one or the other.

   Doctor: It’s a girl Me: *starts sobbing* Doc: Are you OK? Me: Yes I'm just thinking about all the free alcohol she's going to get

   Just sort of hoping for accidental success at this point.

   Throw a drink at Tomi Lahren? In this economy?

   Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen. Me: so was this pie

   I spent alot of time trying to get all of my eldest relatives together in one room with no luck............. Then BINGO

   Where do babies like to go for lunch....... Hooters

   I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don't take me jogging with you today"?

   How does the Hamburglar introduce his girlfriend....... Meet Patty.

   It's been 10 years since I was in school. But every day the school bully still takes my lunch money........ He works at Mc. Donalds.

   Mom #1: That's it. I've had it. I'm selling my kid on eBay. Mom #2: Don't be silly. You made him. Sell him on etsy.

   When I was a kid my parents would say "You'll understand when you're older." Well now I'm older and I still don't understand.

   What type of car does an electrician drive........ A Volts-wagon.

   Canadian sex is like American sex but with more apologizing and less guns.

   . When Chewbacca needs to go does he use a toilet, or dose Han Solo take him for a walk?

   One of Kim's buddies called Pence a dummy, so Trump cancelled the meeting. Not making that up. That literally happened. This is middle school-level drama.