Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I stubbed my toe today. I'm not ready to share photos yet but I will keep you guys updated daily." - probably Carrie Underwood

   Mini Me was only 49. He lived a short life.

   When I was little my parents told me I could be anything I wanted to be. Turns out they were identity thieves.

   I stopped talking to myself because it's too much social stimulation

   Who needs an alarm clock? Giving mine away because my bladder is set permanently for 5:30AM.

   gettin extra faded in honor of mini me

   If Jack Black and Jack White had a baby together, what name would they use?

   The pollen is so bad this year that the folks in the trailer parks are cooking their crystal meth back into Sudafed.

   I’m not superstitious but I am a little stitious.

   So I was deleting ugly people on my FB account and I nearly deleted my damn self.

   A 15 minute workout usually takes me 3 days.

   Melania Trump to have first state dinner by herself. Hmmmmmm, interesting.....

   If it behooves me, I don't want it.

   "420 is to the marijuana industry, what valentine's day is to the flower business

   Ever noticed that when you are broke, you have common sense.

   If you ever see me running, follow me. The liquor is about to close.

   We can be the kind of people who put daffodils in vases. Or we can be the kind of people who leave ants outside.

   There’s nothing better than driving fast on a warm beautiful morning and listening to loud music. Well...sex, food and money are better but I have none of those. I’ll take what I can get.

   What if we're not allowed to be happy until Jennifer Aniston is happy?

   What we have here is a failure to want to communicate.