Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So I was deleting ugly people on my FB account and I nearly deleted my damn self.

   A 15 minute workout usually takes me 3 days.

   Melania Trump to have first state dinner by herself. Hmmmmmm, interesting.....

   If it behooves me, I don't want it.

   "420 is to the marijuana industry, what valentine's day is to the flower business

   Ever noticed that when you are broke, you have common sense.

   If you ever see me running, follow me. The liquor is about to close.

   We can be the kind of people who put daffodils in vases. Or we can be the kind of people who leave ants outside.

   There’s nothing better than driving fast on a warm beautiful morning and listening to loud music. Well...sex, food and money are better but I have none of those. I’ll take what I can get.

   What if we're not allowed to be happy until Jennifer Aniston is happy?

   What we have here is a failure to want to communicate.

   In Japan they read sentences from the right to the left. Kind of like how Americans read a menu.

   I miss the days when a restaurant would tin foil wrap my leftovers into a swan or a boat or a hat to keep the NSA out of my brain.

   I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

   f you're not offending anyone here, you're not trying hard enough.

   I liked Avicii's songs especially the ones where he features the guys who sing the entire song

   Just had a flashback to a spelling mistake I made earlier.... I may have Post grammatic stress disorder.

   Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some crap for Farmville

   I didn’t call you fat; I said proper wood furniture normally doesn’t scream like that

   When my wife picks a restaurant that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.