Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 785 of 6383
If you want me to remember your baby's name then you will have to call him Buddy.
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01-18-2018 21:42
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I've got an idea for a house flipping show but it's just me watching my kids demolish every room
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01-18-2018 21:37 by markf
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My daughter says she can't wait to drink coffee and stay up past 9:00 so don't ever forget we are living the dream here, guys
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01-18-2018 21:32
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Kids have middle names so they can tell when they're really in trouble.
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01-18-2018 21:31 by Jake
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I was not planning to buy a mattress today, but then I saw a kid twirling a sign like a helicopter and now all I want to do is buy a mattress
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01-18-2018 21:29
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I once was brave enough to shave my privates with a straight razor. But now I don't have the balls to do it again.
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01-18-2018 21:25 by JAKE
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So,,,,,,now that people are eating tide pods,,,,,does that mean they identify as a washing machine, now? I'm confused
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01-18-2018 21:22 by Crystal
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Little girl was crying and told me she was lost. "You're at City Park, kid."
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01-18-2018 21:18
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I bought an orange blanket. Now if I am late for work I can wrap it around me and say I was just rescued by the fire department
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01-18-2018 21:14
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So irritating that my kid gets a text to tell him school is closed for snow day. He should have to stare at the news channel crawl for 45 minutes like I did
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01-18-2018 21:05
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Last time I told my kids to play outdoors they thought I was talking about some old school riock group. They asked Siri to play songs by Outdoors.
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01-18-2018 21:00
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I'm holding out for the Buttermilk Ranch Tide pods.
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01-18-2018 20:56
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Stranger Things got it all wrong. It should have started Season 1 as Strange Things
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01-18-2018 20:54
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The only thing shocking about people on the red carpet now is when they touch something metal
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01-18-2018 20:53
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I keep failing this captcha test and now I think I may be a robot
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01-18-2018 20:52
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Trying to find a name for your child really exposes how many people you have met in your life that you now hate
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01-18-2018 20:51
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Tide pods are just cleaning up the people that should have been stains in the first place.
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01-18-2018 19:21
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You’re multifaceted like a diamond, or a schizophrenic.
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01-18-2018 14:32
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Boss: You're fired Me: *turns in my gun and my badge* Boss: You're a waiter where did you get those
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01-18-2018 12:14
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Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
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01-18-2018 06:11
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