Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever stare dumbfoundingly at someone wondering how they ever had an opportunity to actually procreate?

   I think the word alimony should be spelled aliMOANy

   We are all free to walk our own path. My path is full of my husband’s socks and shoes

   I don’t trust people who drive like a turtle and then all of a sudden find the gas pedal and weave in and out of traffic the minute you pass them up. The only impression I have of you is, you must be bipolar

   "Dora the Explorer" only rhymes when somebody from Boston says it.

   Sound advice: Never keep your hemroid cream on the same shelf as your toothpaste.

   If women are always right,why do they always picking wrong men?

   Patient: Doc, I feel miserable, worthless, unhappy, and I have no money. Doctor: I see...... How long have you been married?

   Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it.

   My kid just found an Easter egg in the back yard, if you want to know how often I do yard work.

   Whenever my wife wants me to do something, she casually mentions it needs to be done like 49 times, hoping I will pick up the hints. Has not worked so far.

   Personal care products for men: This bottle contains body gel, shampoo, conditioner and moisterizer. For women: This bottle contains treatment for your left knee. For right knee products, check Aisle 7.

   I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?

   My bank account is a pit stop where money comes to hold its breath before proceeding to where it was destined for.

   Don’t let this distract you from the fact The Avengers blew a 5-1 stone lead in the Infinity Wars.

   Funniest joke in Infinity War was Thor revealing his fluency in "I am Groot" because it was an elective course in Asgardian schools

   Carrot top gave the greatest performance the White House correspondents' dinner has ever seen. Greatest ever!

   This inkblot looks exactly like a hen-pecked husband who has no idea how to pay all of this month's bills

   That will be the last time they let Carrot Top speak at the White House correspondents' dinner.....

   Pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.