Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't see anything wrong with a kidnapping. If a kid wants to take a nap, let them.

   One day you'll just be a memory. So make it a good one.

   Whife ask what's the thing about a bj. I said the five minutes of silence.

   The difference between broccoli and boogers. Kids won't eat broccoli.

   I just got the strangest BJ ever. It was... you ever see that cartoon where a chicken is trying to yank a worm out of the ground kinda like a tug of war?

   Question of the day: Do people eat Tide Pods because Trump is president, or is Trump president because people are dumb enough to eat Tide Pods?

   Have a system for making long distance phone calls. The family and friends plan. I go to a friends house and use their phone to call my family.

   The only way a person can lose is if he doesn't try and according to my wife, I'm one of the most trying person she has ever known.

   Amazing fact #362: The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the NHL first started requiring helmets in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

   I almost got raped in jail once. My family takes Monopoly way too seriously.

   I need a bumper sticker that says "Sorry for driving so close in front of you."

   The nice thing about being married is you finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be.

   BEEP! -Zebra walking past a self-service checkout.

   Let them hate. Just make sure they spell your name right.

   Kinda wanted to watch IT, but I realized I’m broke. So, just gonna look into this mirror instead.

   Not all superheroes wear capes. Some of them tag you in memes.

   You: Cows are friends, not food. Me: Name one cow you’re friends with.

   With most women it's not about how much money you make, what you drive or where you live at......LOL Who am I kidding, even the homeless women go after the homeless guys with the most stuff

   Having daughters can increase life expectancy for fathers

   Statistics say more than one third of marriages start online. The other two thirds will end online