Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

   When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

   Well, Kanye West did marry into the Kardashian’s so you can just imagine the levels of stupidity in that house

   I must be very good at handling my credit card.... Each month the bank sends me a letter saying my credit card account is outstanding.

   Life is short..... Unless you're married

   I only drink on days with a "T" Tuesday, Thursday and Today

   Alimony should be spelled allmymoney

   Kayne West says slavery was a choice for the blacks. Yeah, Kanye is real normal alright.

   Hillary Clinton, so ugly that when she gives head it should be considered anal.

   Ever stare dumbfoundingly at someone wondering how they ever had an opportunity to actually procreate?

   I think the word alimony should be spelled aliMOANy

   We are all free to walk our own path. My path is full of my husband’s socks and shoes

   I don’t trust people who drive like a turtle and then all of a sudden find the gas pedal and weave in and out of traffic the minute you pass them up. The only impression I have of you is, you must be bipolar

   "Dora the Explorer" only rhymes when somebody from Boston says it.

   Sound advice: Never keep your hemroid cream on the same shelf as your toothpaste.

   If women are always right,why do they always picking wrong men?

   Patient: Doc, I feel miserable, worthless, unhappy, and I have no money. Doctor: I see...... How long have you been married?

   Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it.

   My kid just found an Easter egg in the back yard, if you want to know how often I do yard work.

   Whenever my wife wants me to do something, she casually mentions it needs to be done like 49 times, hoping I will pick up the hints. Has not worked so far.