Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Wife Rachel like tall slim guys, and I like older & shorter women. Neither of one of us are what we thought our type was yet & still we're living happily ever after together. Our type has changed into what we see in each other.

   If you cannot afford GYM membership, you can at least afford a Deodorant!

   Seriously its 2018, no one laughs at a joke, you just say LOL or like it and move on, we got no time to laugh !

   Why is Matthew McConaughey still on my tv in car commercial form? Have we learned nothing from our mistakes?

   Last night my refrigerator opened my bedroom door, walked in and stood there and stared at me for a few minuntes, then left and closed the door

   My wife likes to leave her shoes by the back door, so it always looks like 49 women with the same shoe size are over for a visit

   Cinderella is really a creepy story once you realize she had some odd foot deformity that meant no one else in the kingdom could wear her slipper

   You can have a salad on the side but just make sure your significant other salad nevers finds out

   I guess I should watch the Grammys to see who our next President will be.

   Ths girl tweeted "your adorable" and I tweeted back "no, YOU'RE adorable" and now I think she completely missed the typo

   I am now at the age that I understand the joy on game shows when someone wins new kitchen appliances

   I keep my credit cards in the refrigerator so they stay fresh past their expiration dates

   I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it's about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.

   I think my dog needs training school because he rudely yawned in the middle of my stories.

   Did you hear why Rosie O'Donnell got arrested? Airport security lifted up her dress and found 200 pounds of crack.

   Some of you females will never be half the women your dad was..

   IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad died. He was 91. Funeral will be held as soon as we figure out how to put his coffin together.

   Google "don't resist and you have nothing to fear" then send me your thoughts.

   Make sure to put the letter "L" in the word clocks when you google grandfather clocks.

   I'm okay with you being stup!d, but when you're both stup!d AND stubborn, then Houston, we have a problem.