Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember: One person's LOL is another person's WTF.

   You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died and were content with it.

   This job is really getting in the way of my naps.

   Every time the doorbell rings my dog will go and sit in a corner........ He' a boxer.

   Decaf is the handjob of coffee.

   A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well

   Everyone is afraid for their lives, but I guess only cops can use it as a defense.

   my car has air conditioning

   Hacked into Santa's computer and obtain is naughty girls list........ Looks like there be no more lonely nights for me.

   It's Be THE Best. There you go, I fixed it for you. You're welcome!

   There was a homeless man I was going to give a dollar to untill I read the sign he was holding that read "One day this could be you." So I put the dollar back in my pocket in case he may be right.

   My friend ask me why I was still single. I said I'm single by choice..... Unfortunately it's not by my choce

   There are now way too many people on this planet. We need a new plague.

   I don't have psychotic episodes. They're more like a miniseries.

   I've been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn't cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.

   What happens in the shower stays in the shower....... Bet your loofah has some interesting stories it can tell

   When in the hell did All you can eat buffets become everything I can't eat buffets.

   I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron !

   It's amazing how a single terd can shut down a water park.

   The difference between carbon monoxie and my wife is..... Carbon monoxie is a silent killer.