Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've watched so much Shark Tank that now I decline by saying "And for that reason, I'm out."

   Ironic that my kids can't remember to say the "please" word but boy do they remember the word I used that one time in heavy traffic last year.

   You know a restaurant must be serving bad food when you see a mouse throwing up in the restroom.

   I can stop seeing my therapist now and just spend more time at Target reading the advice on the throw pillows

   My R&B playlist is dangerous. It almost guarantees pregnancy

   If you're pausing for dramatic effect.... just keep it going

   Judging from the size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing that Olive Oyl didn't put out much.

   When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

   Those Blue Man Group guys need to find some women. I didn’t realize it could spread like that.

   When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".

   Your girl is either gonna want to sit on your face or punch you in the face. No in between

   Bought a stick deodarant. Instruction say "remove cap and push up bottom"....... I have trouble walking, but when I fart, the room does smells nice.

   When I see "you are here" on a map makes me wonder how did they know I was going to be there.

   My new motto is "Get drunk or try dying!"

   When one door closes, another one opens which is great-unless you're am idiot and you didn't notice.

   FYI, an extra $1.25 isn't considered a great increase, IMO. Just saying....

   Remember: One person's LOL is another person's WTF.

   You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died and were content with it.

   This job is really getting in the way of my naps.

   Every time the doorbell rings my dog will go and sit in a corner........ He' a boxer.