Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m going to start a band called “Free Beer” because when people see a sign that says, “Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM” everyone is going to be there.

   I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car

   Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?

   If you can't tell the difference between delivery and DiGiorno there's a good chance you've been fooled by a tranny once or twice too

   Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it's the stupid ones that need the advice?

   We get it, He-Man, you’re a male.

   My bachelor pad is lacking a sofa now that Mom wants her Caravan’s third row seating back.

   Girl - "Can I see your phone?" Boy - "Uhm, yeah, a moment, I just have to send a text." <Delete, Delete, Delete, Delete>

   What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use my bank account?

   I hate brushing teeth at night because that signifies that you can't have anymore food and I'm just never ready for that kind of commitment

   Some people are like that annoying advert that interrupts a video you’re watching and you can’t skip it.

   Since smartphone cameras were first released in 2002, sightings of Bigfoot and UFOs have declined by 85%.

   Super Bowl LII: Patriots vs. Eagles. If it were any more patriotic, it'd be crapping fireworks out of it's end zone. 'Murica!

   Got caught daydreaming about sleep again at work today

   The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they're thinking "Why don't you just eat ALL the food?"

   wants to apologize to everyone about the blue moon but hey, I'm auditioning for the Avatar sequels and it's your damn fault for peeping through my window!

   Just made me some synonym rolls. Just like grammar used to make.

   Guess all those years of phone sex have caught up with me, I have hearing aids

   Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn't sing it out loud in public

   When life gives you a hundred reasons not to go to work today.....don't argue with it