Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trust is just something that was made up to sell relationships

   Before we begin, I’d like to get a little weird.

   I was trying to think of something really deep to post this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.

   Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!

   Bruce Jenner must be so confused today

   remember moms, if you smell burnt toast you're not having a stroke...its the kids trying to make breakfast

   God gave us shins so we could find things in the dark.

   My wife and I broke because of my gambling...... I hit the lottery and left her.

   Trump is such a horrible politician. I can't believe that he's actually doing what he promised he would do before the election.

   Trump said the Iran agreement was the worst deal ever...... Guess he forgot his $130,000 deal with Stormy

   "Give me fuel, give me fire, give me the nap that I desire!" - realistic Metallica

   Happy hour leads to several hours of lying on the floor talking to my dog.

   Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn't have hangovers!?!

   "Let me clear my calendar for the royal wedding on 19th May" - said no one ever.

   When you see Olivia Munn in a movie trailer, you can almost hear a toilet flushing in your mind.

   Gave my boss a mother's day card. Because "he" is one of the top ten mothers on my list.

   My biggest problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

   I'm not really sure I want this gas pump to know what zip code I live in

   I'm at my highest dad level when I see a toddler stroking a cat in the wrong direction.

   The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.