Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish the weekend came as fast as my ex did.

   Just because it's considered cool to recycle rubbish nowadays, it doesn't mean it's cool to give your cheating ex another chance.

   As a double leg amputee I have to keep positive . I may have lost both legs , but l was only "de-feeted "

   If you can't handle me at my [vomits] Then you don't deserve me at my [passes out]

   Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

   They can't prove none of your pants fit anymore if you never wear pants.

   When I see names and hearts carved into a tree I don't think it's cute. I just think it's strange how many people take knives on a date.

   Seriously, if the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.

   I just scrolled so far back on Facebook's Timeline it logged me back onto MySpace

   In Trump's opinion, his staff member who made fun of John McCain's terminal illness isn't a "traitor," but the people who told the press about it are.

   How to Find the Leaker in 4 Steps: 1) Close your eyes 2) Stand in front of a mirror 3) Open your eyes 4) There’s your leaker!

   Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.

   You're not going to be able to build a house with the first swing of the hammer.. so chill the heck out and learn patience...

   Pride Parade bans Drag Queens, it offends transgenders.Libs are confused on what side to take.

   Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time

   The only permanent cure for snoring is a sledgehammer.

   ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That's ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”

   Finally found my wife's G spot....... Her sister had it all along.

   Confuciushe says: Man who fight with wife all day, gets no piece at night.

   Relationships are like a game of cards... "You've got to know when to hold 'em, Know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run"