Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't think trump had any collusion with the russians...... He's not that smart.

   Fun fact. Swedish meatballs are actually a recipe king Charles XII brough back from a trip to Turkey. So they really Turkish meatballs.

   Everyone is talking about the royal wedding but life isn't a game of thrones

   I would send thoughts and prayers, but I would rather vote and send better politicians...

   I watched 30 minutes of Kong: Skull Island on TV, which was more than enough to confirm why I don't waste money on movies anymore.

   America going straight into 'thoughts & prayers' Groundhog Day mode after yet another mass school shooting.

   I've been trying to decide if I care less about the royal wedding or the Laurel-Yanny nonsense.

   Stop talking about the Royal Wedding, your cats are sick of hearing about it.

   I paused “Crazy Train” during the guitar solo to listen to you, so don’t tell me I’m not taking this relationship seriously!

   Me: She really needs to calm down. Alcohol: You should tell her.

   If this new pair of camo crocs doesn't get me laid tonight, nothing will.

   Me: I have fillings for you. Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: I'm married and I'm your Dentist...

   I find it annoying when old people poke me at wedding and say "you'll be next." So I started to do the same thing to them at funerals.

   My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible...

   * 21st century where deleting history is more important than making it.

   In my time, real men did not smoke cigarettes with batteries.

   If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

   I'm so stressed out that I've started sniffing glue. It's the only thing holding me together.

   Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your best friend” was the wrong answer.

   Having your favorite band come and visit you in the hospital is a good indication that you are going to die.