Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

   I'm so stressed out that I've started sniffing glue. It's the only thing holding me together.

   Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your best friend” was the wrong answer.

   Having your favorite band come and visit you in the hospital is a good indication that you are going to die.

   a lot of younger folks won’t remember this but before 9/11 you were allowed to grill your own meats on airplanes

   I’m at my most MacGyver when something is stuck in my teeth.

   Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

   hard liquor because I don't don't have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day

   "Hello ICE? There are people speaking spanish in NYC."

   My 10 year old: Lands 14 platsic water bottle flips in a row, can't hit laundry basket with dirty socks.

   A woman arrested for prostitution. Judge: How do you plead? Woman: Not guilty. I'm a sales woman. Judge: What do you sell ? Woman: Condoms with a free demontration.

   Happy 32nd birthday to "Top Gun". need4speed

   I was once in a band called Click Bait. You won't believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

   My wife just told me that I need to grow up. I was speechless, but it is kinda hard to talk with 45 Gummie Bears in your mouth.

   Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit!"

   Hello, 911, I am calling about this African American family, The Jeffersons. I want to complain that they finally got a piece of the pie.

   I wish the weekend came as fast as my ex did.

   Just because it's considered cool to recycle rubbish nowadays, it doesn't mean it's cool to give your cheating ex another chance.

   As a double leg amputee I have to keep positive . I may have lost both legs , but l was only "de-feeted "

   If you can't handle me at my [vomits] Then you don't deserve me at my [passes out]