Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 772 of 6446

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money.
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05-19-2018 08:24
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Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
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05-19-2018 08:22
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A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.
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05-19-2018 08:20
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After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
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05-19-2018 08:20
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Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
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05-19-2018 08:19
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I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
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05-19-2018 08:19
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If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca's third dog.
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05-19-2018 08:18
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You know you've reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.
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05-19-2018 08:18
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Russia has been accused of using Facebook to win an election. That's probably the most productive thing ever done on Facebook.
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05-19-2018 08:17
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Having a bit of a lazy day! I'm sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online. My boss doesn't look amused.
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05-19-2018 08:17
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If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
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05-19-2018 08:15
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This funding crisis in Oklahoma education has got to be addressed! Some of the rural schools have taken to teaching driver’s education and sex education out of the same vehicle.
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05-19-2018 08:15
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Haven’t been in a relationship in a while. I forget, am I supposed to start the argument or finish it?
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05-19-2018 08:14
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C'mon man, nobody's doing it! - Hipster Peer Pressure
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05-19-2018 08:14
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I tried to make whoopee to the entire orchestra but I only got to second bass.
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05-19-2018 08:14
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A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
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05-19-2018 08:13
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Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.
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05-19-2018 08:12
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People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
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05-19-2018 08:10
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At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
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05-19-2018 08:10
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The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never sympathized more with women in my life.
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05-19-2018 08:09
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