Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just read something that said, "Don't believe everything you read." I'm not sure if I should believe it.

   I'm kinda glad that dinosaurs are extinct cause I'm pretty sure I'd try to ride one after a few beers.

   While thinking of revenge two sayings came to mind: " revenge is a dish best served cold" and "revenge is sweet". I therefore came to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.

   It's a good thing Apple wasn't in charge of Calender years. Otheriwise We'd all be expecting 2018 and get 2018S instead

   We live in a strange world where the poor walk miles to get food and the rich walk miles to digest food

   Went to an amature talent show and saw a topless ventriloquist. I didn't see her lips move once.

   After trying it doggie style I can't face my wife again.

   Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its only 30% full? ...Well that's how guys feel about push-up bras

   My wife stepped out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the damned drain is clogged again."

   Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic's, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.

   If you drink too much at a bar, don't waste money on a cab. Instead, walk to the nearest Domino's and order a pizza to deliver to your house. Then ask the delivery guy if you can ride along with him.

   Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it's not a problem if you're good at it.

   I just tried to pull my sleeve up and accidentally punched myself.its ok though,I've had it coming for some time now.

   A great man once said, "If you divide the people because you want their votes, you will never be able to unite them if you win the election".

   I am concerned about the safety of my children most when they start smart-mouthing and rolling their eyes

   It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.

   They call it a "selfie" because a "narcissitie" is too hard to pronounce

   Whenever I get called into my boss's office, my entire Facebook career flashes before my eyes

   I love Facebook like Angelina Jolie loves to fill out adoption papers

   I am going to call KFC to make a reservation for Valentine's Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the staff answering the phone