Funny Status Messages

   I just ordered a plunger and a spatula on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, you can thank me

   We all just need someone who will tie us to the bedpost and tell us everything is going to be alright.

   I think it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

   Almond milk? I didn't even know almonds had nipples.

   It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.

   Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.

   Can someone please buy the Kardashian's a box of condoms, thanks

   Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.

   I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

   "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.

   I’ll always be the one who got away.

   I believe the only way to save Hawaii is to sacrifice a Michigan and Alabama fan to the angry Volcano.

   What is a person who goes off their diet called? A deserter

   If woman are so good at multitasking. Then why can't they sit down and shut up?

   Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.

   If my nephew doesn't stop playing Chopsticks on that wretched piano I think I shall go mad! (Wait a minute...I don't have a piano and my nephew isn't here...)

   [lava kids playing in a volcano] "the floor is linoleum!"

   I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

   Middle-aged is when your list of ailments outnumbers your age.

   Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money.