Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 770 of 6446

Starcents, it's like Starbucks only cheaper.
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05-24-2018 03:24 by Jake
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Will Starbucks become a homeless shelter with their new store policy?
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05-24-2018 03:21
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(inventor of the ladder) I’m gonna french kiss that giraffe
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05-24-2018 02:33
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*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
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05-24-2018 02:09
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Can we talk about how crabs are too much stress for the little meat they give?
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05-24-2018 02:08
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Cruelty is people with back pain having to bend over at the pharmacy to get a tube of Bengay from the bottom shelf.
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05-22-2018 15:33 by Jake
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Hey, Starbucks...looks like your “Open Borders” policy kinda failed miserably after 2 day’s, huh?! Imagine that...
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05-22-2018 14:54
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People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.

USA had 288 school shootings since 2009. In second place, we have France with 2. What are we doing wrong?
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05-22-2018 11:36
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How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
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05-22-2018 10:45
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Just got catcalled by a construction worker, again. Why can't men realize that we just want to walk down the sidewalk without someone calling out "hey that cement is wet!"
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05-22-2018 07:59
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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can't make eye contact.

Dating Tip: if she says she likes cats, push her plate off the table.
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05-22-2018 07:50
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Remember getting your first athletic protective cup as a kid and you and your fellow players would test them by kicking each other in the junk? Or was that just me and my weird friends?
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05-21-2018 23:30
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A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
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05-21-2018 17:43
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Butt stuff? God no. I'm a proper lady, and only use my butt hole for smuggling drugs.
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05-21-2018 15:15
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Why is the devil 😈 tryin to be my bff?…
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05-21-2018 14:36
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If your kid graduates high school you were smart and voted for Trump.
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05-21-2018 09:04 by Degree101
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Admit it. Every once in a while you say "Open Sesame" while walking up to an automatic door.
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05-21-2018 07:43
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