Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There’s a tunnel at the end of the light

   Morgan Freeman will be the narrator at his own trial.

   Florida and Texas send out a zombie alert to residents.

   Starcents, it's like Starbucks only cheaper.

   Will Starbucks become a homeless shelter with their new store policy?

   (inventor of the ladder) I’m gonna french kiss that giraffe

   *Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy

   Can we talk about how crabs are too much stress for the little meat they give?

   Cruelty is people with back pain having to bend over at the pharmacy to get a tube of Bengay from the bottom shelf.

   Hey, Starbucks...looks like your “Open Borders” policy kinda failed miserably after 2 day’s, huh?! Imagine that...

   People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

   Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.

   USA had 288 school shootings since 2009. In second place, we have France with 2. What are we doing wrong?

   How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?

   Just got catcalled by a construction worker, again. Why can't men realize that we just want to walk down the sidewalk without someone calling out "hey that cement is wet!"

   Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can't make eye contact.

   Dating Tip: if she says she likes cats, push her plate off the table.

   Remember getting your first athletic protective cup as a kid and you and your fellow players would test them by kicking each other in the junk? Or was that just me and my weird friends?

   A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.

   Butt stuff? God no. I'm a proper lady, and only use my butt hole for smuggling drugs.