Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I just f*cked a girl that stutters. It was great. I finished before she could say "NO!"

   There is so little food in my house right now I think I saw some ants putting together a grocery list.

   I'm placing myself in "time-out" until I'm able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!

   You'd be surprised how people get the words "f*ck off" confused with "please continue."

   Work is givin' us a piss test to celebrate our new contract. I just put glitter in mine... good luck tryin' to figure that one out muthafuckas!

   Don't worry that you're 40.. you're just 1 in “cougar-years.”

   The guy in line next to me at Walmart is buying a 12 pack and a Snuggie. Wonder how his social life is going.

   I wanted to save my children some money down the road so I already purchased my headstone for the cemetery. It reads "I'm not dead yet."

   I don't care to be the rich guy who you want to marry and never have sex with…. I prefer to be the pool boy who you want to have dirty sex with but never marry.

   Her: I forgot to take my medicine. Me: For your face? Her: No, for my depression. Me: So you're not taking anything for your face?

   My best pick up line: Excuse me, but I think you dropped this two hundred dollars for sex.

   Cashier: "Would you like to help feed the hungry today?" Me: "That's why I'm shopping, moron."

   I ripped a 8 second fart and my girlfriend says "You're gross." I ran out of the room yelling "YOU DON'T SUPPORT ANYTHING I DO!"

   Thongs are the mullet of the underwear world: business in the front, party in the back.

   These fuel prices are killing me, literally. While siphoning from my neighbors car I swallowed a pint of that sh!t. Gotta fix my technique.

   You can post about your love of god on facebook all you want, but *I* remember your love of going down on random guys at frat parties. Amen.

   Wanna show your wife who's boss? Get her a mirror.

   I had a bad day: I need a drink I had a good day: I deserve a drink Blah Blah something something: Let's have a drink

   Only 64 more cartons and I get my FREE Marlboro casket!

   If there is one thing I learn from every mistake is I'll never get caught that way again.