Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 77 of 6390
Anyone: “You’re so interesting to talk to! Our personalities fit so well together!” Me: Thanks, I made this one especially for you.
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01-11-2023 00:47
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I don’t usually think about what I say before I say it. I prefer to think about it after I’ve said it, late at night, for the rest of my life.
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01-11-2023 00:46
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Swine Flu is back? Just when you think something is gone forever it comes back and makes people sick.. Just like Branden
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01-10-2023 05:32
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My only real accomplishment in life is knowing all the words to "Gilligan's Island" (beginning and end)
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01-10-2023 05:31
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If the government would charge a 3% stupidity tax on themselves alone, they could beat inflation tomorrow
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01-10-2023 05:31
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I just yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short” She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it back to me"
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01-10-2023 05:30
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My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just took it.
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01-10-2023 05:30
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John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
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01-10-2023 05:29
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The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
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01-10-2023 05:28
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How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
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01-10-2023 05:27
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synchronized noseblowing
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01-10-2023 05:27
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At what age should you put the tonsils back in
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01-10-2023 05:26
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You can put whatever you want on a “to do” list, there are no rules. I put wake up and drink coffee on mine. Already knocked two things off my list and it’s not even lunch time yet. God, I’m good.
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01-10-2023 02:42
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If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to laugh about when you’re old.
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01-10-2023 02:36
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Cats are my favorite animal, because no matter where you fall on the food chain, a cat will smack the crap out of you.
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01-10-2023 02:29
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If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.
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01-10-2023 02:21
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Me: My dog is probably thinking about other dogs. My dog: “What was Scar’s name before he got that scar?”
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01-10-2023 02:13
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Elon Musk didn’t buy a social media platform, he bought a crime scene and all the evidence.
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01-10-2023 02:02
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Counting to ten only makes it premeditated.
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01-10-2023 01:53
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Rachel has 16 chocolate bars. Tracy takes 4 from her and asks for the remaining quarter. What would she end up with? Me: A sucker-punch in the breadbox.
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01-10-2023 01:42
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