Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If football games begin with a kick-off, why don't hockey games begin with a puck-off?

   I saw two guys wearing matching outfits. I asked if they were g@y? They arrested me.

   I thought about having sex today and then I remembered that I’m married.

   "Hey, Baby. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?" "Sir, step away from the body. She fell from a balcony and this is a crime scene."

   The Stanley Cup finals will feature a team that represents a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed and deceit, against the Las Vegas Golden Knights.

   You know who is a good problem solver? Vanilla Ice. I think it's because he collaborates and listens.

   Cheating your wife doesn't mean that you don't love her...it's like hiring a taxi when you have your own car at home...it saves tires and longer lasting beauty and reduces mileage...Send this to your wife and let me know which hospital you are in..

   Things to do.. #1 dig a hole #2 name it love #3 watch people fall in love

   Looks like the witch hunt is catching a lot of witches.

   I pick up a copy of the new book The Long Walk Home by Miss. D. Bus.

   It's getting that Time Of Year where I start Liking All Of My Friends Posts who have a POOL

   You know you must be unappealing when a nymphomaniac just wants to be friends.

   Sometimes I watch football holding an X-Box controller just to confuse people.

   My inflatable girlfriend takes my breath away.

   Dentist: I'm going to give you some helium gas. Me: Will that stop me from feeling any pain? Dentist: No...... But when you screem, it will be hilarious.

   I remember grandpa’s last words before he died. Lighting a match next to the gas pump, he asked, “What’s this warning label say?”

   Would you people PLEASE stop praying for my Grandpa to get stronger . . . he's ALREADY grabbed me by the throat this morning!

   When I was in our laundry room today, I saw that our ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

   What’s the traditional gift for a 24 year anniversary? Is it murder? Please say it’s murder.

   You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.