Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I robbed a bank, stole a car and snorted cocaine officer, it was the Ambien.

   I love your enthusiasm, so I’m going to loosen your restraints.

   I used my girlfriend's body wash this morning and now I can't stop replying to text messages with "K"

   Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.

   Pets are brilliant at geometry. They effortlessly calculate the angles to most effectively impede your progress in hallways.

   I never knew I had so many aunts and uncles untill my parents separated.

   What's worse, women who want you to figure what's bothering them? Or the ones who tell you?

   I finally reached the age where happy hour is taking a nap.

   "I didn't tell you I was on my period because I didn't want it to stop you from coming thru" - SELFISH WOMEN

   So Bayer is buying out Monsanto and will be retiring the infamous Monsanto name. Rest assured that going forward, industrial-strength agri-chemicals will be no more dangerous than Aspirin.

   If someone wants to know how to play the piano but can't, does that mean they have pianist envy?

   Sometimes I feel like I have a 1-bit brain with a parity error. This is one of those days.

   Me: I hate seeing you like this. Coworker: Like how? Me: In person

   If you inbox a woman “hey” she immediately takes off all her clothes. Everyone knows that.

   Guys don't appreciate being single untill they been married for awhile.

   Kids don't remember the things you tell them untill it's something you shouldn't of said.

   Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he neverlands.

   The only president who didn't blame the previous administration for all his troubles was George Washington.

   I overheard that ABC is not cancelling Roseanne but is seamlessly going to replace Roseanne with Danny Devito

   I've sold all my John Lennon albums on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal.