Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking. So no more drive through KFC. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in

   I have a real life autocorrect, my wife. :-)

   I'm getting so old, I need to take a nap so I'll have the energy to go to bed. :)

   The self checkout line was invented for a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

   If it's really the thought that counts, we're all screwed.

   So have they made a drink called "Tequila Mockingbird" yet? What the hell are they waiting for?

   Deja boo - the feeling that you've been afraid of this before.

   I am going to write a book about A.D.D., because I love fishing.

   Every fad becomes a punchline. We build things up jus to knock them down.

   I was super lazy today. It’s like regular lazy but I wear a cape.

   My wife says I'm the kind of person she has to warn people about in advance and apologize for afterwords.

   wondering why people with hundreds of friends on FB are spending their time on FB and not with one of them instead

   RelationSHIPS sink when they have too many passengers

   One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves

   Being lazier right now than the guy who designed the Japanese flag

   Worlds shortest joke- "Two women are sitting quietly"

   If April showers bring may flowers. What does mayflowers bring? Pilgrims

   Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.

   Wife asked if I could pick up milk on the way home, so I flexed both arms to reassure her

   Origami was invented by a guy who kept running out of toilet paper