Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breaking news: Justify declines invitation to the White House.

   Walmart won't sell guns to anyone under 21. So if you're 21 or older and angry..... Come on down.

   Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

   Yes I like to party. And by party I mean take naps.

   Say what you will about Trump, he sure is loyal to the country that elected him (Russia).

   R. Riley is so fat and over-weight, Thanos has to snap twice.

   Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

   Boss at meeting said it would nice if you employees would start showing me a little respect. One employee replied oh we show you as little respect as possible.

   Ever picked up a copy of your x-ray from the doctors office, open the envelope when you get to the car, hold it up to the light and say....."yeah, I have no clue what I'm looking at"?

   An orgy with more than 4 midgets is a snack pack.

   So this guy says to his friend "I got a part in a play." And his friend said "What part did you get?" The guy says "I'll be playing a husband." And his friend said "Too bad you didn't get a speaking role."

   DAY 126 WITHOUT SEX, I'VE LOST THE HEARING IN MY RIGHT EYE

   The second hand on my watch broke so I went and got a new one at, (you guessed it...) a secondhand store. While I was there I also bought a box of cigars, so this evening I'm enjoying secondhand smoke.

   I listen to all of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. That one makes absolutely no sense to me.

   I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.

   My wife jabbers so much that when we go to the beach, she has to put suntan lotion on her tongue.

   Justin Trudeau should have asked Donald Trump what year the War of 1812 took place.

   For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.

   it just me or doesn't anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?

   Some people choose to be victims in life because it's a lot easier than being a winner.