Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If smartphones existed in the 80's, most of us would have a parole officer.

   And for my next trick, my brain will chemically balance itself.

   "It's not all about how someone looks." - Helen Keller.

   Have you ever put butter on a Poptart, it's so frigging goooood . If you haven't put butter on a Poptart, I really think you should .

   If MSNBC wants to know where all the detained girls are, then should start by looking in Judge Moore's basement!

   If Trump cured cancer, democrats would say he caused hospital profits to drop...

   The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

   A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.

   I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten; be patient and wait your turn.

   I cook, clean, and run errands because I know I can't compete with a vibrator.

   Haven’t been able to show my face at the nearby McDonalds since I accidentally asked for a happy ending.

   MAGA - Macdonalds and Golf Again!

   Planning a trip to Australia..I was asked if I had a criminal record?..I didn't know you still needed one?

   What? WikiLeaks is endangering lives and is unamerican? Wow, you don't say? Gee, what a surprise.....

   New MAGA Campaign Slogan for Pride Month: Make America Gorgeous Again.

   if the "space force" ever drops a dirty bomb on Uranus, they better call it "operation taco bell"

   Like the 20th century used sex to sell things, the 21st century uses rage. Wonder what it will be for 22nd?

   The inventor of the helicopter ejection seat has died from severe headache.

   The apocalypse doesn't care what your credit score is.

   wife: Why did you drink all the rum? me: I lost the cap