Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What is the Difference between secretary and personal secretary? Secretary says: Good morning sir! Personal secretary says: Oh my God! Its morning sir

   My plumber said that the weird noise coming out of my shower is me crying.

   Just because you can see my teeth, don't assume I'm smiling

   The first rule of Micromanager Club is ... wait I'll just show you

   My executive meeting with the cats in the board room was going so well, until I brought out the laser pointer to highlight my slide presentation

   I made a millennial cry by asking him to fold a roadmap.

   My wife texted me that she was not wearing any underwear. When I got home she was mad at me because I hadn't done the laundry in three weeks.

   Ending chain migration is a long way to go just to avoid your in-laws.

   My dog keeps chewing on my sofa and two arm chairs. I think he may have a suite tooth.

   My fat friend has been hangging out at the gym. I told him that he needs to get some bigger shorts.

   Bacon is loaded with sodium, nitrates, grease and animal fat...... Breakfast

   If someone skinnier than you complains that they are fat, it’s okay to snarl at them. Frankly, it’s encouraged.

   I just got the minivan washed if anyone wants to party this weekend.

   House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds

   I don't know what I would do without facebook and instagram and twitter -- but I bet it would be something productive

   Resistance is not Futile ... it is Voltage over Current

   The grocery store in my neighborhood needs to repaint the parking lot near the door to show where the "Just Lazy" parking is.

   Actually, officer, I prefer to think that weed smells like me.

   How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

   I thought the trick to makeup was to make it look like you not wearing any and not to look like you shoved your face in a bowl of nacho cheese sauce