Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon 7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
←Rate | 06-26-2018 15:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How do Amish women know if it's a romantic candle-light dinner or just a regular dinner?
←Rate | 06-26-2018 08:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Let's scream at people in a restaurant or a movie theatre. That will prove our point. .
←Rate | 06-26-2018 00:14 Comments (3)  


   messageicon I was just kicked out of a restaurant because of my pants. Wasn't wearing any.
←Rate | 06-25-2018 17:09 by Mike Comments (0)  


   messageicon What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo recieves before leaving the factory? Two test-tickles.
←Rate | 06-25-2018 01:55 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon With the gas price so high, it's cheaper to do cocaine and just run everywhere
←Rate | 06-24-2018 07:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Getting married is the second most popular thing we do in our lifetime. Getting divorce is the first.
←Rate | 06-24-2018 00:58 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do you have any Imodium? Me, flirting
←Rate | 06-23-2018 14:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't take nude selfies Vodka: Oooh yes, you do.
←Rate | 06-23-2018 12:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I sexually identify as too tired for this.
←Rate | 06-23-2018 12:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It’s like my grandfather used to say: “The more clit sucking you do, the less nagging you’ll hear”
←Rate | 06-23-2018 12:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Relationship status: A spider just walked across my thigh and I enjoyed it.
←Rate | 06-23-2018 12:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I'm in a liquor store.
←Rate | 06-23-2018 05:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
←Rate | 06-23-2018 05:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
←Rate | 06-23-2018 05:23 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will destroy a Millennial's ability to even.
←Rate | 06-22-2018 22:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If smartphones existed in the 80's, most of us would have a parole officer.
←Rate | 06-22-2018 22:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon And for my next trick, my brain will chemically balance itself.
←Rate | 06-22-2018 21:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "It's not all about how someone looks." - Helen Keller.
←Rate | 06-22-2018 20:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Have you ever put butter on a Poptart, it's so frigging goooood . If you haven't put butter on a Poptart, I really think you should .
←Rate | 06-22-2018 18:17 Comments (0)  




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