Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

   I’m an adult. I can buy a pet rock if I want to.

   Hey Greg, you forgot to add the stripper that gave you chlamydia to your minivan stick family.

   Went to a costume party dressed as a chicken. Ment a girl dressed as an egg. We spent the night at my place. And I found out the answer to that old question. It was the chicken.

   7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse

   How do Amish women know if it's a romantic candle-light dinner or just a regular dinner?

   Let's scream at people in a restaurant or a movie theatre. That will prove our point. .

   I was just kicked out of a restaurant because of my pants. Wasn't wearing any.

   What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo recieves before leaving the factory? Two test-tickles.

   With the gas price so high, it's cheaper to do cocaine and just run everywhere

   Getting married is the second most popular thing we do in our lifetime. Getting divorce is the first.

   Do you have any Imodium? Me, flirting

   I don't take nude selfies Vodka: Oooh yes, you do.

   I sexually identify as too tired for this.

   It’s like my grandfather used to say: “The more clit sucking you do, the less nagging you’ll hear”

   Relationship status: A spider just walked across my thigh and I enjoyed it.

   You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I'm in a liquor store.

   Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

   I'm at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

   Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will destroy a Millennial's ability to even.