Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife is a teacher. If they issue her a gun I will be dead by Thursday.

   Anyone know how Pink's parents are named? I am assuming Red and White.

   If you eat at McDonald's, I doubt fresh vs frozen beef is your biggest concern...

   I didn't give anything up for Lent. I just gave up.

   So it's been reported that Trevor Baylis has passed away? Is this a wind up?

   When I found out that the sperm bank paid for donations. I realised that I had let a fortune slip through my fingers.

   Roses are red, violets are blue. I've got five fingers, and just one is for you.

   We need to make guns illegal, like we did with drugs. You can’t find that stuff anywhere nowadays.

   My wife is like a peach. She too has a hart of stone.

   I carry a picture of my wife in my wallet. It helps me remember why there is no money in it.

   Winning trade wars is so easy. Just ask George Bu.sh.

   They shun Ryan Seacrest and give Kobe an Oscar. I guess the message is, don’t talk about it, just shut up and rape.

   Society needs to teach every little girl that she's smart and her brains will make her beautiful. This will help her grow into a confident and independent woman who doesn’t feel like she is nothing but a sex object.

   My life is stitched together with vices.

   Most of my life goals don’t even include me in them.

   And then my moral compass passed out.

   I still remember the day my father promoted me to general disappointment.

   Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do? Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that - wait, where are you going?

   In my fantasy you show up wearing nothing but a tool belt and fix the ceiling fan

   How about A memorandum of understanding instead of marriage vows.