Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington's decision when he reached the Delaware.

   George Lucas is going to remake a Country & Western version of Star Wars. The theme song will be called "Looking for Love in Alderaan Places."

   My son screamed like a little girl when he saw a spider so no paternity test was needed.

   One of those bathroom extractor fans, but for your negative energy.

   I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can't remember where I parked my car.

   Thighs that slap together when you walk are just giving the owner an applause.

   I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.

   Difference between a G spot and a golf ball. Guys will search for a golf ball.

   Trump just backed down from a big trade fight with China #MAGA

   Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

   I’m an adult. I can buy a pet rock if I want to.

   Hey Greg, you forgot to add the stripper that gave you chlamydia to your minivan stick family.

   Went to a costume party dressed as a chicken. Ment a girl dressed as an egg. We spent the night at my place. And I found out the answer to that old question. It was the chicken.

   7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse

   How do Amish women know if it's a romantic candle-light dinner or just a regular dinner?

   Let's scream at people in a restaurant or a movie theatre. That will prove our point. .

   I was just kicked out of a restaurant because of my pants. Wasn't wearing any.

   What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo recieves before leaving the factory? Two test-tickles.

   With the gas price so high, it's cheaper to do cocaine and just run everywhere

   Getting married is the second most popular thing we do in our lifetime. Getting divorce is the first.