Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Melania was a Democrat, she would be on the cover of every magazine and hailed by the media for her grace, language and beauty.

   Any way I see it Jack and Jill were both idiots... Who in the hell goes up hill to find water?

   David Dennison is my President.

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village. Hi, I'm Sarah McLachlan....

   I'd like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."

   . My mother in-law is drowning, I've informed emergency services. Hope they get my letter in time to save her.

   My son is really struggling with english in school. Nobody else in his class can speak it.

   When the teacher pointed her ruler at me and said their's an idiot at the end of this ruler. I said which end?

   I'm suffering from Insania. Its sort of like Insomnia, only its the voices in my head that cant sleep.

   Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft

   So a high school 1st year asked me if I knew the symbol compound of Hydrogen Sodium....I said NaH...

   Common sense is like a deodorant.......The people who need it most never use it..

   Being stuck in the'' friend zone'' is like a potential employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he eventually hired

   if I pay Netflix each month & choose to watch Star Trek, am I paying a DATA plan?

   When asked why he was wearing a tuxedo to his vasectomy. Tyrone said, well if I'm gona be impotent, I might as well look impotent.

   My parents would not let me watch any violent movies. Instead we played board games with questions like "Who murdered this guy with a candlestick?"

   This is Assumption Club. I think we all know why we are here.

   Today I am contemplating how much longer I would live if someone shouted "Run for your life!"

   I raised my daughter to believe she can do anything but that did not include eating cheesecake in the shower

   Wild horses could not drag me away from this lasagna dinner because they lack opposible thumbs and organizational skills