Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not saying I drive fast, but on my last trip the lady in my GPS told me pull over and she would walk.

   Both corn and beer looks the same on the way in as they do on the way out.

   I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

   Hooray! Won't have to watch Golden State vs Cleveland in the NBA finals for the 5th year in a row. :)

   I think maybe I'll move to Lexington, VA, buy the Red Hen restaurant, and convert it into a Chick-fil-A.

   Who has no heart, brains or courage? The tinman, scarecrow and lion. Who did you think I meant?

   A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.

   Before I die I'm going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.

   I guess Joe Jackson coulsnt even 'Beat it' to death

   My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I'm camping, I won't be covered.

   But on the plus side, I'm completely immune to flash-bang grenades - Helen Keller

   I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington's decision when he reached the Delaware.

   George Lucas is going to remake a Country & Western version of Star Wars. The theme song will be called "Looking for Love in Alderaan Places."

   My son screamed like a little girl when he saw a spider so no paternity test was needed.

   One of those bathroom extractor fans, but for your negative energy.

   I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can't remember where I parked my car.

   Thighs that slap together when you walk are just giving the owner an applause.

   I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.

   Difference between a G spot and a golf ball. Guys will search for a golf ball.

   Trump just backed down from a big trade fight with China #MAGA