Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   " You know your life sucks when you have to have three jobs just to keep up to being poor."

   I have more trust in a link from a bot account than I do in Michael Cohen.

   Boycott Walmart: I’m starting to think that Make America Great Again is not cut out for capitalism.

   Fun Fact: You could buy 420,000 tampons for the same amount of taxpayer funds Rep. Blake Farenthold used to settle a sexual harassment lawsuit.

   The only way to make sense of Scott Pruitt’s time at the EPA is if he opens a U.S. taxpayer-funded used mattress store in Moscow.

   Scott Pruitt has quit as head of the EPA to pursue his true passion - buying lotions and used mattresses from various hotels.

   Now that Scott Pruitt is gone, I fully expect the new E.P.A. Chief to eventually admit that manmade global warming is real and then quickly attribute it to gay marriage.

   James Woods' agent dropped him, but Scott Baio's agent has already found him a role as a Sandwich Artist at Subway.

   When preparing cereal, why not throw on some limes’s and pickles for that rich fruit and pickely flavor burst.

   Kind of ironic that a basketball team from Oakland, CA would have GSW on their jerseys..

   Calm her down. Women love to be calmed down.

   My friend's dog is tough. I interrogated him for over an hour and he still wouldn't tell me who's a good boy.

   I like that you hate me a little. It shows respect.

   Alexa, what the hell are these Asian ladies saying about me in this nail salon?

   Everyone's a submissive if you squeeze their throat hard enough.

   I ONLY beg in the bedroom.

   I’m not a sore loser, thanks to Vicodin.

   Always plan ahead...... It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

   I don't need Google...... My wife knows everything.

   Careful! That's my only VHS copy of "The Money Pit".