Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 752 of 6383
I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
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03-13-2018 02:29
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friend: you coming to the party tonight me: no i've got plans narrator: he had no plans
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03-13-2018 02:27
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How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
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03-13-2018 02:24
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Questioning me about stupid things like why there’s a wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don't invite people to my house.
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03-13-2018 02:21
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SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.
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03-13-2018 02:18
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I'm at the point of my life where if aliens come, they wont need to abduct me, I'll gladly go with them
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03-12-2018 23:29
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7-11 cashier: that will be $5.87. Me: ok 7-11 cashier: would you like a bag? Me: You got something good???
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03-12-2018 17:54
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BREAKING NEWS: Two cars had an accident in Mexico. Nobody died due to the cars being Lexus with airbags both stolen from the Houston area.
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03-12-2018 14:34 by BillC.
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My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?
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03-12-2018 08:52 by Dp
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I bet now Martin Shkreli wish he had that anti-parasite medicine
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03-12-2018 07:27 by Eddy
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90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women
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03-12-2018 05:52
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If your wife asks you if you have plans for the day, there is a good chance your plans will soon be over-ruled by what she had planned or she wants to be part of your plan
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03-12-2018 05:51
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Chicks from the hood make the best mixed drinks .... chick made me a apple ciroc & juicy juice & called it ''WIC ON THE BEACH !''
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03-12-2018 01:13
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I think I lost an hour reading all the tweets about how people lost an hour this weekend
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03-11-2018 23:55
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Why does everyone keep asking me how to change their clock? My Betamax has been blinking midnight since 1983...
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03-11-2018 22:09
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Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Except for imitation grape soda; real grapes have never quite gotten over that one.
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03-11-2018 20:34 by Grapelade
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In honor of Martin Shkreli going to prison, the price of lube has been marked up 5,000%.
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03-11-2018 18:02
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I didn't change my clocks because I decided to relive the past. There are so many things I'm going to do differently this time.
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03-11-2018 17:01
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Stop all your crying about losing an hour of sleep from Daylight Savings Time. Business travelers experience it every single week...
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03-11-2018 13:30
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Thunderstruck just played at the gym and now I'm drunk on the treadmill...
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03-11-2018 12:32
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