Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women have foreheads so you have somewhere to kiss them after a BJ .

   When prince charming kisses a teenage girl in a coma he's a romantic hero. When I do it I'm a pervert.

   Last year I received 87 birthday wishes via facebook, text and phone. This year I received 98. That's an increase in popularity by 12.64%. Stocks going up.

   Order Food, Eat Food, Put on a MAGA Hat, get kicked out, don't pay

   ME: these fireworks are so quiet WIFE: those are palm trees

   You know your house is dirty when people wipe their feet when they are leaving.

   What’s it called when your hard work doesn’t pay off?

   Neymar has great potential to become a Hollywood star for performing art.

   FIFA refs should issue pink cards for flopping.

   I’ve just realized I’ve come to a point in my new life . That I’m extremely happy that my favorite neighbor is that cat that lives three floors down!

   I want a girl who can drink as many beers as me & who orders a burger & fries for dinner, not salad. Also men: She can't be fat, tho.

   " You know your life sucks when you have to have three jobs just to keep up to being poor."

   I have more trust in a link from a bot account than I do in Michael Cohen.

   Boycott Walmart: I’m starting to think that Make America Great Again is not cut out for capitalism.

   Fun Fact: You could buy 420,000 tampons for the same amount of taxpayer funds Rep. Blake Farenthold used to settle a sexual harassment lawsuit.

   The only way to make sense of Scott Pruitt’s time at the EPA is if he opens a U.S. taxpayer-funded used mattress store in Moscow.

   Scott Pruitt has quit as head of the EPA to pursue his true passion - buying lotions and used mattresses from various hotels.

   Now that Scott Pruitt is gone, I fully expect the new E.P.A. Chief to eventually admit that manmade global warming is real and then quickly attribute it to gay marriage.

   James Woods' agent dropped him, but Scott Baio's agent has already found him a role as a Sandwich Artist at Subway.

   When preparing cereal, why not throw on some limes’s and pickles for that rich fruit and pickely flavor burst.