Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let's get a cat.

   I called the vet. and told him that my wife willbe dropping by with our old cat. Can you euthanizer her without any pain? Sure he said, but will the cat find it's way back home alone?

   Every time my wife and I have sex, I put a dollar in a envelope. With the money I save up, I use to buy her anniversay gift. This year she getting a Mar's bar.

   "Why does someone expect to receive respect when that someone doesn't give respect? "

   To the person who stole my diet pills, you have nothing to gain.

   Maybe it's the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.

   Apple is now valued at 1 trillion dollars which is the same as the Gross Domestic Product of Florida... But that's comparing Apples to Oranges

   Don't come to me for advice.. we'll end up buying a bottle.

   Well!..my survival talk to a group of backpackers went very well last night!..they were all on the edge of their seats!

   People spend a fortune on insect proofing their houses and buying fly-spray..then eat in the garden?

   If you're going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you're just an ass.

   I t.hink I. mig.ht hav.e ina.dverte.ntly tak.en one .of my wif.e's bir.th c.ontrol pi.lls beca.use m.y perio.ds a.re irr.egu.lar

   I don't mean to sound raci$t but two men should never get married!

   relax sit back and have a glass of bleach

   "Let me stick my straw in your juice box" - flirting is easy

   You laugh at my fanny pack until you need some damn ibuprofen

   "Collusion is not a crime." Unless it was done by Hillary.

   Having sex while listening to music would have been a lot more awkward in the 1500's.

   What's the matter with you guys? Did you break your laugh box or something?

   Wives, husbands talk in their sleep because it's the only time they get a chance to talk.