Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Confuius said "Never check the depth of water with both feet."

   Taking viagra for my sunburn.... Doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

   I don't care if our president lies all the time. As long as he's pushing of the Dems, that's the only thing I care about. I'm happy with that!

   Bad decision: Saying come in to a Jehovah Witness at your door.

   Husbands calm down are two words you should never say to your wife.

   I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.

   Wives if your husband says something and you're not around to hear it is he still wrong?

   Seriously guys, I'm a virgin. No woman finds me attractive.

   Just BUY the klondike bar. What's the big deal?

   An apple a day is bull crap.... Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.

   I know there are idiot Savants, but are there Savant idiots ?.. Because lately stupid people sure do think they are smart !

   The more random people you see jogging for no reason the higher the rent is going up

   Seven qualities I look for in a woman. 1. Beautiful. 2. Intelligent. 3. Gentle. 4. Thoughtful. 5. Innocent. 6. Trustworthy. 7. Sensible . Or in short B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

   Wife said you always come home in a bad mood. I can't remember the last time you came home in a good one. I said of course not..... that's because you weren't home.

   My kids treat me like a god. They ignore my existence untill they need something.

   Moms, Save money on cereal by putting generic cereal in a bran name box. That way the kids will never know their eating generic cereal.

   "Read a weather book about rainbows called Rainbows by Sunny Showers."

   My wife is a porn star. If she ever finds out, she'll kill me.

   "Why is trump so hard on fake news? After fake news is what got him elected.

   I wonder what other phone calls Cohen has recorded?