Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If illegals in California start using plastic straws, will they finally be deported?

   The moon’s so bright ya gotta wear shades.

   For the first time I went into another room an actually remembered why I went there...... Ok so it was the bathroom but still I remembered.

   I asked my wife what would you do if I won the lottery? She said I'd take half, then leave you. Great, I won $50.00 here's $25.00 bye bye.

   At least good old Bill didn't have to pay for blowjobs and sex.

   What do you call a man who has everything? A bachelor.

   Her: "Undress me with your words." Him: "There's a spider in your bra."

   me: it's not about how many times you fall, it's about how many times you get back up cop: that's not how field sobriety tests work

   My friend likes country music so I wrote him a song for his birthday called I Went Down On My Sister And It Tastes Like Daddy Ate Pineapple.

   I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. I'll even remove your duct tape.

   If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

   Don't you hate people who throws their own son under the bus?

   "You're not liked as much as you think you are. And those who do, like the money you have."

   Jerk chicken is just like regular chicken, but it drives a BMW and doesn't care about your feelings.

   WE BUILT THIS CITY WE BUILT THIS CITY ON the ruthless and systematic exploitation of the working class through industrial capitalism

   If athletes get athlete's foot and tennis players get tennis elbow. What do gynecologists get........ Tunnel vision.

   Demi Lovato is doing a remake/cover Amy Whitehouse's REHAB

   It doesn't matter if you're black or white, heterosexual or homosexual, man or woman because cats hate all of you.

   When Jimmy Garoppolo said he watches a lot of film, I thought it was talking about football

   Please don't say piracy is a victimless crime... Escape Plan 2 is 1h 45m of my life I will never get back again