Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Take the hint people...... Earbuds are a do not disturb sign.

   A man injured his hand at work. The doctor said sorry but we need to amputate one of your fingers. Man ask the hole finger? Doctor said no, the one next to it.

   when 1 of my lenses fall out, I like to think of the glasses as half full

   Does anyone know if there is an age limit to join the U.S Space Force? I think I would look good with a helmet on!

   If it wasn't intended for you to have a midnight snack. There would not be a light in the fridge.

   A weasel walks in a bar. Bartender says what ya have? Pop goes the weasel.

   I'm so old I can remember when ripped jeans meant you'd been attacked by a bear. Those were the days.

   Imagine playing dead & you hear “shoot everybody again”

   The south side of Chicago needs a wildfire...

   I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M&M's one by one with a glass of water.

   I can't believe California hasn't figured out that all they have to do is ban wildfires

   If on that certaint night in December 1945. Mary Anne said not tonight Fred, I have a headache. We all would be better off today.

   Have you ever been driving and you look at your phone and the battery is at 5% and for some reason you think your almost out of fuel?..... Me neither 🙄

   To the someone who does not know the words to the national anthem. You should not be criticising the NFL players who take a knee.

   If we have trillions of dollars to spend on Space Force, should not we be using that money for our wall?

   As I gaze out of my window as I have so many times before, sipping my morning coffee, I feel so at peace knowing that I got the last of the creamer.

   Teach your children and you won't have to raise your grandchildren.

   Don't make this weird, that's my job.

   A man agreeing with a woman doesn't mean he agrees with her. It's just away to shut her up.

   Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you're having difficulty getting anything done, it's usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.