Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 741 of 6446

Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers have a Fold cycle? It's 2018 for chrissake!
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07-30-2018 09:39
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You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
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07-30-2018 08:53
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You always hear the wife complain about their husband leaving the toilet seat up. But you'll never hear the husband complain about the wife leaving the toilet seat down.
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07-30-2018 03:29 by Jake
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What does verizon and a port a pot co. have in common. They both give sh*tty service.
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07-29-2018 20:46
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I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
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07-29-2018 20:45
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Me: I think I'm having a heart attack. Her: Give me your phone code so I can call 911. Me: Never mind, I'm feeling better...
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07-29-2018 18:14
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The coffee's not cutting it this morning. So please help me activate those "Feel Good" dopamine chemicals in my brain by liking this status. Thanks!
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07-29-2018 12:24
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Wives are like newspapers. They have a new issue every day
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07-29-2018 06:08 by Jake
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If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
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07-28-2018 23:12
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Life is just one, giant, wrong hole.
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07-28-2018 13:40
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I'm at that delicate stage in a relationship where my bf is trying to untie the ropes to call the police.
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07-28-2018 13:23
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If I'm reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
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07-28-2018 13:21
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"Did I ever tell you I played sport in high school?" - fat people
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07-28-2018 09:30
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Netflix should probably just start asking "Is there someone I should call?"
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07-28-2018 08:58
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My mating call is the sound of a lone chainsaw in the night.
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07-28-2018 08:55
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It's hotter than a spoon at Demi Lovato's house.

If illegals in California start using plastic straws, will they finally be deported?
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07-28-2018 08:28
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The moon’s so bright ya gotta wear shades.
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07-28-2018 02:01
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For the first time I went into another room an actually remembered why I went there...... Ok so it was the bathroom but still I remembered.
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07-27-2018 22:09 by Jake
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I asked my wife what would you do if I won the lottery? She said I'd take half, then leave you. Great, I won $50.00 here's $25.00 bye bye.
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07-27-2018 21:03 by Jake
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