Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers have a Fold cycle? It's 2018 for chrissake!
←Rate | 07-30-2018 09:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
←Rate | 07-30-2018 08:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You always hear the wife complain about their husband leaving the toilet seat up. But you'll never hear the husband complain about the wife leaving the toilet seat down.
←Rate | 07-30-2018 03:29 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon What does verizon and a port a pot co. have in common. They both give sh*tty service.
←Rate | 07-29-2018 20:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
←Rate | 07-29-2018 20:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: I think I'm having a heart attack. Her: Give me your phone code so I can call 911. Me: Never mind, I'm feeling better...
←Rate | 07-29-2018 18:14 Comments (1)  


   messageicon The coffee's not cutting it this morning. So please help me activate those "Feel Good" dopamine chemicals in my brain by liking this status. Thanks!
←Rate | 07-29-2018 12:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wives are like newspapers. They have a new issue every day
←Rate | 07-29-2018 06:08 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
←Rate | 07-28-2018 23:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Life is just one, giant, wrong hole.
←Rate | 07-28-2018 13:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm at that delicate stage in a relationship where my bf is trying to untie the ropes to call the police.
←Rate | 07-28-2018 13:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I'm reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
←Rate | 07-28-2018 13:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Did I ever tell you I played sport in high school?" - fat people
←Rate | 07-28-2018 09:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Netflix should probably just start asking "Is there someone I should call?"
←Rate | 07-28-2018 08:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My mating call is the sound of a lone chainsaw in the night.
←Rate | 07-28-2018 08:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's hotter than a spoon at Demi Lovato's house.
←Rate | 07-28-2018 08:46 by GlimmerTriplet Comments (0)  


   messageicon If illegals in California start using plastic straws, will they finally be deported?
←Rate | 07-28-2018 08:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The moon’s so bright ya gotta wear shades.
←Rate | 07-28-2018 02:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon For the first time I went into another room an actually remembered why I went there...... Ok so it was the bathroom but still I remembered.
←Rate | 07-27-2018 22:09 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon I asked my wife what would you do if I won the lottery? She said I'd take half, then leave you. Great, I won $50.00 here's $25.00 bye bye.
←Rate | 07-27-2018 21:03 by Jake Comments (0)  




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