Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

   If it’s out of your hands, then it deserves freedom from your mind too.

   Life would be easier if we all had a video game health bar above our heads letting everyone know how close we are to a meltdown.

   “I want the truth!” Independent fact checkers, with the direction of the FBI, have concluded that you can’t handle the truth.

   The biggest story this week, is the suppression of a story about the suppression of a story. That story is also suppressed, we’ll have less on the story later.

   Man injured in a bizarre peek- a- boo accident...He's in ICU.

   Too old for SnapChat. Too young for Life Alert.

   I’m drinking coffee right now because people think you’ve got a problem if you drink vodka on a Saturday morning.

   Please punch in your account number, phone number and the last four digits of your social security, so I can transfer you so they can ask you for those same numbers again

   Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder.

   waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for

   I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

   My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word

   It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

   My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till I turn 90 to get my first one

   If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

   Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

   Drivers ignoring winter conditions, may be subject to natural selection.

   Once you carry your own water, you’ll learn the value of every single drop.

   You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue with their actions.