Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What I if told you, you read that first part wrong?

   Life is short. If you can't laugh at yourself, call me, then I will.

   It's not so much that I love karate as that I hate wooden - planks!

   I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it.

   If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

   An average person farts 13 times a day......... finally!! I'm above average at something.

   It’s so cute when billionaire philanthropists donate less than 1%. Bless their hearts.

   Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 40

   I felt naughty asking for my latte to be extra frothy

   I always give fat people wrong directions so they can get much needed exercise.

   Welcome to your 40's. You get horny anywhere, anytime. Without warning.

   This guy at work said not to use (SSD) solid state drives because if they get infected with malware it spreads faster.

   Come on people, drink a cup of Folgers and wake up.

   Most people write congrats because they don't know the spelling of congrajulashions

   If you send an e-mail to someone in jail, are you allowed to attach a file?

   We need a reality show where Flat-Earthers attempt to find the edge of the planet.

   What if you are an atheist, and you're stuck behind a guy with a "Honk if You Love Jesus" bumper sticker at a traffic light?

   What to do when your partner is snoring? Simply push them off the bed with your feet and shout, “Did you feel that earthquake” when they fall to the floor.

   I'm watching the hurricane coverage on the weather channel. I hate to be insensitive but, can anyone really pay attention to what the officials are saying when the sign language lady is flailing about?

   I read this article earlier..that said.."cows have four stomachs"...and I wondered if anyone had checked this?..because it sounds like the sort of thing a cow would come out with to get more food?