Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You laugh at my fanny pack until you need some damn ibuprofen

   "Collusion is not a crime." Unless it was done by Hillary.

   Having sex while listening to music would have been a lot more awkward in the 1500's.

   What's the matter with you guys? Did you break your laugh box or something?

   Wives, husbands talk in their sleep because it's the only time they get a chance to talk.

   Me, looking at the calendar: It's August already?? WTF!

   Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.

   [first date] Him: Let's take the stairs! Me: I think we should see other people.

   I travel a lot. Recently I was over there on the other couch

   Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

   My comfort zone is any place that I don’t have to wear pants.

   I reserve anal sex for special occasions. First dates for example.

   If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. Oh, wait…

   I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.

   You never hear anyone singing, wishing they can all be Alabama girls.

   what did the California politician say to the restaurant manager ? this is the last straw

   Why is it that Tampax advertisements always shows women ice skating, dancing or playing tennis. The only activity my wife partakes in at that time of the month is biting my head off.

   To make perfect chilli only use 239 beans. If you add one more it willbe too farty.

   Cat: Hey. Me: Hey cat. Cat: What are you doing? Me: Smoking a joint, I think I'm stone. Cat: Ya think?

   Axe came out with 2 new body sprays. I'm having a hard time deciding between "My mom is picking me up at 8:30" and "Can I touch your bra"