Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I t.hink I. mig.ht hav.e ina.dverte.ntly tak.en one .of my wif.e's bir.th c.ontrol pi.lls beca.use m.y perio.ds a.re irr.egu.lar

   I don't mean to sound raci$t but two men should never get married!

   relax sit back and have a glass of bleach

   "Let me stick my straw in your juice box" - flirting is easy

   You laugh at my fanny pack until you need some damn ibuprofen

   "Collusion is not a crime." Unless it was done by Hillary.

   Having sex while listening to music would have been a lot more awkward in the 1500's.

   What's the matter with you guys? Did you break your laugh box or something?

   Wives, husbands talk in their sleep because it's the only time they get a chance to talk.

   Me, looking at the calendar: It's August already?? WTF!

   Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.

   [first date] Him: Let's take the stairs! Me: I think we should see other people.

   I travel a lot. Recently I was over there on the other couch

   Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

   My comfort zone is any place that I don’t have to wear pants.

   I reserve anal sex for special occasions. First dates for example.

   If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. Oh, wait…

   I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.

   You never hear anyone singing, wishing they can all be Alabama girls.

   what did the California politician say to the restaurant manager ? this is the last straw