Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think that blue wave everyone is talking about just waved goodbye! ;)

   If you put the words "Let's see who reads this" at the beginning of your post it virtually guarantees that I won't.

   For one whom claims they don't watch CNN, they seem to know alot about what's being said on their shows.

   Paul Manafort's shell company was called Summerbreeze. I guess that's just more proof that he's been a giant douche-bag all along!

   Why must we end rivers flowing into the pacific ocean?

   I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing😁

   Why is drake worried if Kiki loves him.. I thought he only loves his bed and his momma

   Cleaning all the straws out of my glove box cause I would not want any straw sniffing dogs to find my stash!

   Why are Zoey and Zoe pronounced the same way but Joey and Joe aren't?

   If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?

   I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk but never got the chants.

   I was talking to a guy outside my building and he was telling me his gf hates his dog and he had to get rid of her so if anyone who doesn't own a dog wants her shes available. Shes about 5'3 130 pounds brunette.

   Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy's.

   A married couple in their 60's gets a vist from a fairy. Who says I will grant each of you a wish. The wife wish for a 2nd honey moon. Poof. Two tickets on a luxury cruse liner appear Husband I'd like my wife to be 30 years younger than me Poof he's 92

   I just had a Hebrew National Hotdog. It's like a normal hotdog, but with the skin at the end cut off.

   Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let's get a cat.

   I called the vet. and told him that my wife willbe dropping by with our old cat. Can you euthanizer her without any pain? Sure he said, but will the cat find it's way back home alone?

   Every time my wife and I have sex, I put a dollar in a envelope. With the money I save up, I use to buy her anniversay gift. This year she getting a Mar's bar.

   "Why does someone expect to receive respect when that someone doesn't give respect? "

   To the person who stole my diet pills, you have nothing to gain.