Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys, you'll really never know your woman untill you are married to her.

   My dentist said I needed a crown. I was like “I KNOW RIGHT??”

   I ordered a Chicken off of Amazon and an Egg off of eBay. I'll let you know.

   Hello, Acme? I'd like to order a rocket and a pair of roller skates. Oh yeah, and a sign that says "Yikes." ...No, I haven't caught him yet.

   Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.

   I've noticed that the most attractive women always drive those cute little cars! Which reminds me...the mother-in-law's Panzer needs an oil change!!

   Losing an argument when you are right just because the other person is too stupid to understand what you are saying is the most infuriating thing in the universe.

   Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love with what they see. That's why women wear makeup and men lie.

   My wife has a slight speach impediment........ Every now and then she stops to take a breath.

   Did you hear about the japanese lady that gave birth while taking a bath?she named her kid'' so kin wet''

   Do you know who I think I'am?

   When you go in the ocean to pee, go in past your waist.

   The three wonders of the world. Single guys that make wonders happen. Guy with girlfrineds that see wonders happen. Married guys wonder what happen.

   There's a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.

   I think that blue wave everyone is talking about just waved goodbye! ;)

   If you put the words "Let's see who reads this" at the beginning of your post it virtually guarantees that I won't.

   For one whom claims they don't watch CNN, they seem to know alot about what's being said on their shows.

   Paul Manafort's shell company was called Summerbreeze. I guess that's just more proof that he's been a giant douche-bag all along!

   Why must we end rivers flowing into the pacific ocean?

   I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing😁