Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't believe California hasn't figured out that all they have to do is ban wildfires

   If on that certaint night in December 1945. Mary Anne said not tonight Fred, I have a headache. We all would be better off today.

   Have you ever been driving and you look at your phone and the battery is at 5% and for some reason you think your almost out of fuel?..... Me neither 🙄

   To the someone who does not know the words to the national anthem. You should not be criticising the NFL players who take a knee.

   If we have trillions of dollars to spend on Space Force, should not we be using that money for our wall?

   As I gaze out of my window as I have so many times before, sipping my morning coffee, I feel so at peace knowing that I got the last of the creamer.

   Teach your children and you won't have to raise your grandchildren.

   Don't make this weird, that's my job.

   A man agreeing with a woman doesn't mean he agrees with her. It's just away to shut her up.

   Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you're having difficulty getting anything done, it's usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

   My wife makes me wear Crocs to mark her territory.

   They say you shouldn't say anything if you can't say anything nice and that's why I haven't spoken to anyone since 1997.

   Got drunk last night and joined the Space Force.

   [at a funeral] What happens to his leftover meds?

   I wonder if Trump will make the aliens pay for Space Force?

   Come on people now Smile on your brother Everybody get together Try to love one another Right now

   "Every month my wife turns into SUCH a monster." "Haha! You mean when she gets her period?" "Huh? No. She's a werewolf."

   I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

   No one ever tell you about the amount of heavy cleaning involved in a successful career as a serial killer.

   Guys, you'll really never know your woman untill you are married to her.