Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 735 of 6446

To the someone who does not know the words to the national anthem. You should not be criticising the NFL players who take a knee.
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08-10-2018 22:31
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If we have trillions of dollars to spend on Space Force, should not we be using that money for our wall?
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08-10-2018 21:23
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As I gaze out of my window as I have so many times before, sipping my morning coffee, I feel so at peace knowing that I got the last of the creamer.
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08-10-2018 20:08
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Teach your children and you won't have to raise your grandchildren.
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08-10-2018 16:31
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Don't make this weird, that's my job.
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08-10-2018 13:26
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A man agreeing with a woman doesn't mean he agrees with her. It's just away to shut her up.
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08-10-2018 13:24 by Jake
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Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you're having difficulty getting anything done, it's usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
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08-10-2018 12:46
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My wife makes me wear Crocs to mark her territory.
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08-10-2018 12:25
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They say you shouldn't say anything if you can't say anything nice and that's why I haven't spoken to anyone since 1997.
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08-10-2018 12:22
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Got drunk last night and joined the Space Force.
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08-10-2018 12:16
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[at a funeral] What happens to his leftover meds?
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08-10-2018 11:32
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I wonder if Trump will make the aliens pay for Space Force?
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08-10-2018 10:51
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Come on people now Smile on your brother Everybody get together Try to love one another Right now
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08-10-2018 06:41
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"Every month my wife turns into SUCH a monster." "Haha! You mean when she gets her period?" "Huh? No. She's a werewolf."
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08-10-2018 03:34
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I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
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08-10-2018 03:33
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No one ever tell you about the amount of heavy cleaning involved in a successful career as a serial killer.
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08-10-2018 03:32
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Guys, you'll really never know your woman untill you are married to her.
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08-09-2018 15:08 by Jake
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My dentist said I needed a crown. I was like “I KNOW RIGHT??”

I ordered a Chicken off of Amazon and an Egg off of eBay. I'll let you know.
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08-09-2018 13:22
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Hello, Acme? I'd like to order a rocket and a pair of roller skates. Oh yeah, and a sign that says "Yikes." ...No, I haven't caught him yet.
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08-09-2018 13:16
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