Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   In the South we don't pay no attention to that stupid ground hog. We go out and look at the bush hog, if there is frost on it, it's still cold... dammit.

   Here's your motivational speech... YOU SUCK. Change this.

   I left a note on my neighbors car asking him to stop parking in front of my house. I couldn't find any paper, so I used my car key instead.

   You know those times when you just can't think of anything good to write, so you just post some crap? KNOCK IT OFF!!!

   Hey, people who have those long ass names on FB like, "Kiesha HatersGonnaHateButI'mJustGonnaKeepOnBeingaBoss Jenkins," CUT THAT SHlT OUT!

   Snooki's pregnant? Wow, that's gotta be tough. I don't think they even make balloons with "Congratulations! It's a Cocaine Addict!" on them.

   Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it's only Tuesday.

   Seriously, if you get turned on by watching a woman eat a banana, then you've had some pretty terrible blow jobs.

   I just started using the new Timeline on Facebook. Maybe I can trace my life back to when I actually gave a sh!t.

   Yeah, I thought I loved you too... but then I realized I just needed to fart.

   I'm so hungry that my stomach stopped growling. Now its just whimpering.

   The bearded lady, the guy with all the body piercings, the dude with 14 toes, the geek biting the chickens head off... Yep, I'm in WalMart.

   I swallowed a quarter once on a bet. And you thought fumbling through your pockets for loose change at the checkout was a pain in the ass...

   I started doing one of those 10,000 piece puzzles last night and it only took me an hour to flip the table over and start drinking hard liquor.

   I was having a fantastic nap on the way to work this morning, until some inconsiderate ba$tard decided to bounce off my windshield.

   Talking to your ex about your past relationship with them is like logging back on to MySpace. Once you've logged in, you will instantly realize why you left in the first place.

   Guys that take Yoga classes need their man card taken away and shoved up their ass. Oh, nevermind... they'd probably just bend over and pick it out with their teeth.

   You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.

   I gave a homeless lady $5. Friend said I shouldn't because the lady will only buy booze with it. I said So? That's what I'd buy too. You'd have to be pretty drunk to sleep on the concrete.

   There's a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.