Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

   Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

   More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

   We don’t hear much about people from the Left being allowed back on Twitter. Why? Because blacklisting has been deployed as a one-way operation against the Right.

   A dog and a cat are fighting about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “We are, because they named the canine tooth after us.” The cat smiles and says, “You are really not going to win this one.”

   Whole Foods announced that a Prius left it’s lights on in the parking lot, and now I have the whole store to myself.

   Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever.

   Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles.

   Humans: Dear God, please let 2023 be a good one…. God: You guys are still alive?

   My favorite queso is the one you keep around for emergencies, just in queso.

   You: I’m offended, you can’t say that! Me: Noooo, I can, I did, and I probably will again.

   Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.

   Quiz question: Would you rather be stuck on an island all alone or with someone you hate, and why? Answer: I would rather be stuck on an island with someone I hate, so I would have something to eat.

   The IRS: “Oh yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.”

   Got a new book: “How to pretend to be normal.”

   My emotional support dog after spending a day with me. Dog: Drinks a 5th of vodka and chain-smokes non-filter cigarettes.

   Everyone I know is a “snack getting stuck in a vending machine” away from total collapse.

   Therapist: “What brings you in today?” Me: Every time my husband puts the dishes away, he puts them in a different location. Therapist: “I’ll cancel all my appointments.”

   When you’re in psychology class and you learn about the disorder you have.

   Teacher: “Today we will be talking about depressed people who share jokes all day as a coping mechanism.”